A letter to my children….

Your greatest challenge and my greatest hope for you is this – Find Your One! It will not be easy. You will make mistakes. You will get frustrated. You probably will get hurt. You may even hurt others (never do it intentionally, it is not worth it).

There is no rush. Any sense that you are running out of time is not real. There are no rules governing this. When you find this person, you will know. You will probably know immediately. Life is great. Living life with someone you adore enhances how great life really is. Remember, jobs will come and go. Friends will come and go. Sadly, your kids will even come and go (the reality that my kids will move out someday is beginning to hit me). The person you choose for the rest of your life will be there through it all. All the good and all the bad. Finding comfort and excitement in that reality cannot be measured.

Looking around, it is very easy to see most never found the one. I am sure there are countless reasons why this happens. I think there are just a couple reasons that drive most of the misses though. If you do not know yourself, I mean really know yourself, you will not find your one. I think many people feel rushed into finding the one. They see their friends and colleagues moving through the various milestones in life and feel compelled to keep up. Do not fall into this trap. There is a reason the divorce rate is greater than 50 percent.

I started out blogging so my kids could see a different side of me (or ensure they did). Below are other things I have learned in 40 plus years on this Earth. This is for them and I will update it as I move through the rest of my life.

There are no rules. There is not a guidebook to follow. No one has it figured out. Do it your way and on your own pace. Ask questions (ask lots of questions) of those you respect. If you ever worry you are not doing it right and have doubts, simply look around. Most people are just fine, and you will be too.

You got no control. Let go of any preconceived notions that you have control of your life. That is not to say you do not control your actions, you do, and you are fully responsible for those actions. What I mean by no control is you must remember that tomorrow is not a given. Tragedy and hardship may be lurking around any corner. This does not mean you should act recklessly. It does mean that you should strive to get the most out of each day. Only you will know what that means.

Control your ego. Life ends up being pretty simple if you can learn to control your ego. Your decision making will be sounder. Your view of your life, life in general, and those within it will improve dramatically. Your relationships will be deeper. You will learn more. What I want you to know is there is no scoreboard. There is no winning and there is no losing. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

You Be You! Be your authentic self. This will take work and a lot of trust. The outside world will fight like hell to carve you into the person it wants you to be. Do not let it. “Finding yourself” is a journey that has no destination. You will evolve as you grow and have experiences. I think we all know who we are deep down and even more important I think we know who we are not. We should not be ashamed of either and should not apologize for who we are. We should try to be better every single day. Fuck the pressure of what others believe is right, cool, or necessary. You do not (and probably should not) follow the crowd. Challenge yourself every day. Trust your gut. Staying true to your core will set you on your best path.

Effort is always part of the answer. In this life, putting in honest effort will never be a regret. This is especially important in relationships you choose to enter into. Clearly it can apply to work and day to day life as well. Work hard but keep your eyes open. Keeping your eyes open will help you know when it may be time to move on. Being the hardest worker on a sinking ship is not wise.

You are responsible for yourself. Take ownership of yourself and your surroundings. Leave the excuses to others. I believe it is rare that something happens to you that truly changes the direction of your life. Take ownership of the little things that feel like big things. Evaluate what they are and determine their value. I think you will find that most things do not have a lasting impact on your life and can be let go rather quickly.

Leave the world a better place. Anytime you can make someone’s day a little bit better, do it. You will never regret it. If you get to the door first, open it. If you see garbage on the ground, pick it up. If the toilet paper roll is out, replace it. If there are dishes that need to be done, clean them. The result is you feel a sense of accomplishment, but more important you will make someone else’s day a little bit better.

It is ok to be taken care of. If someone opens the door for you, step through and say thank you. If someone wants to help you, say yes. It is not a sign of weakness to be taken care of. Coming to rely on being taken care of is a weakness though. Take pride in the fact you can take care of most things on your own. Feel joy and comfort knowing there are people out there happy to help you.

Set boundaries. Not all people and things are good for you or have your best interest at heart (in the case of people, it may not be their fault – have grace). It is not possible or even appropriate in some cases to avoid them all. Set proper boundaries. Boundaries will help you keep relationships and other things in your life contained to mostly positive experiences. Lack of boundaries can lead to negative experiences with people and things that generally can be easily avoided. This too is not easy. It will take experience, and some hurt to determine which people and things need boundaries and what the boundaries need to be.

Protect your health. This is within your control. Mentally and physically, you can choose to work on yourself every single day. Do it! The benefits will pay off forever. Good health is freedom. Good health allows you to do what you want when you want to it without reservation. Without focus, good health can deteriorate quickly and can be extremely difficult to restore. After putting effort into your most important relationships, you should focus on your health. Every single day.

Live below your means. This is another freedom that is completely in your control – financial freedom. Choose to live below your means. Not only will this create good habits for your life, but it will afford you the opportunity to make mistakes that do not have devastating financial consequences. Financial freedom also gives you options that most do not have. Living below your means comes with a very valuable lesson – material possessions do not matter. I believe you will find very quickly that not having whatever you want does not impact your life in any meaningful way. You will find a great deal of freedom when you realize that you have few “needs” and many “wants”. Once you figure this out, you can reduce those “wants” to trivial meaningless things that don’t even make the “want” list anymore.

Have fun, but do not allow yourself to be in a situation you cannot get out of. This can be applied to everything in life, but I am speaking to alcohol or any self-medication now. Remember, lying on your stomach with your arms wrapped around the toilet will be your memory, not all the fun you had leading up to that moment. Your ego will play a role here too. If you have not set it aside, self-medication is even more dangerous.

Life is extremely short. It will not all be pleasant. In the end though, we all move through this life one day at a time. Every day we go to bed and know we will not live the same day over again. We can count on both the good and the bad from the past to be gone. We are living this moment only. Be present for this moment. This moment will pass quickly too. Enjoy them all as best you can. Find those you want to share your moments with. Find the things that truly bring you joy. Spend your time and your resources on these people and things. Do not waste one second. Seconds add up very, very quickly!

As I continue on my journey, I know I parent too often by using the time-honored phrase, “do as I say, not as I do”. I try to improve on that every single day. It is not easy. I want to be a better role model and ultimately a better person. One of the few things I know that I get right is my effort. I will always put in an abnormal level of effort. It is the only way I know how to be. You can count on that. You can count on me to be there, always! I Love You!

Contradictions

It’s December 23rd. Just two days until Christmas. The younger kids are all very excited. My wife and I are very excited to see Christmas through our 3-year-old’s eyes. She has been counting down the days and can’t wait for Santa to come. Excitement is just one of many feelings for my wife and I this time of the year. It’s safe to say that major holidays are one of the most complex times for us emotionally. Why?

If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you know our family is very complex. The feelings we carry for our children are also complex and can vary wildly. Like most parents we are damn good at hiding how we really feel in the moment for the greater good. We have a lot of experience. My last post had a situation that was a perfect example of that.

Child 2 (Age 11) dropped a large glass bowl because she didn’t want to eat. I mentioned we reacted perfectly. No big deal, it was just an accident. Don’t worry about it. That wasn’t really how either of us felt. For several months now we have been dealing with major issues with her. She’s run away on more than one occasion. Literally run away. The first time, my wife and I both were driving around our small town trying to find her. Once we got eyes on her she ran towards and alongside the river. I was able to chase her down eventually. That was a scary one. On the other occasion, I literally went Terry Crews and tackled her broadside off of her cousin’s bike in the street to prevent that chase from becoming something we would have lost. I’d like to avoid calling the police until we have lived her for at least one year. Then there is everything she has taken from us. Food, iPad, various other things you would never think an 11-year-old would want to mess with (Shampoo, Lotion, Bleach, yes Bleach). She has been completely exhausting.

We are gearing up to have some very uncomfortable conversations with Child 1 (Age 11) about how Christmas morning is going to go because we refuse to have her ruin it for us. We have to explain what acceptable behavior in detail. Please let our 3-year-old experience everything for herself. She doesn’t need help understanding what is going on. She doesn’t need to sit in your lap. She doesn’t need help opening her gifts. And oh yeah, we are her parents and can handle anything she needs. We have to tell her the same things about our 1-year-old just to be sure we cover all bases. This may seem insignificant on the surface, but think about having those kinds of conversations with your 11-year-old child. Now think about having those conversations with her on an almost daily basis. Now finally think about having those conversations and you have no idea if she understands you or is playing dumb. Her lack of social awareness and basic family dynamics is completely and utterly exhausting.

And we have Child 3 (Age 9). Last year he slept through Christmas. My wife was sad about that. I think it was sadder that when he did wake up, Christmas wasn’t really a thing. He opened his gifts (mainly candy) and moved on with his day. He asks for almost nothing – really just candy each year. It actually makes sense because he doesn’t play anymore. Hasn’t in a couple years. It feels weird though as parents to not buy your kid toys for Christmas. Based on his current schedule, it is likely he will celebrate Christmas morning with us this year. We will modify literally everything if he is around. We will tell our 3-year-old to wait on opening gifts to allow him to open all of his first because that is what has to happen. She won’t have a problem with this luckily. She is used to waiting because he has to go first. She is a special little girl. I don’t think he will cause any problems for us if we are prepared to let him have a shitload of candy. Believe me, we don’t care. We keep the peace at almost any cost. Mainly we know the fight doesn’t matter. If he gets locked in on something it is best to let it be. There is no lesson to be taught. It’s likely he won’t even remember the situation in several hours.

Our little one’s though, we cannot wait. To see the excitement in my 3-year-old’s eyes is something we can’t wait for. It’s a breath of fresh air to think about. We are also excited to know we will get to experience that first again in a year or two with our baby girl. I’m excited for Christmas with my older two as well. They don’t have the excitement of Christmas in their eyes like they used to, but I know they look forward to our traditions and that makes me very happy. They both bought gifts for everyone in the house on their own this year. I hate how old they are. They are good gift givers and I know they enjoy seeing the reaction on the faces of the kids as they open them. Mostly though, given their ages, I am thankful and happy for the time I have with them. I realize how short it is and how quickly it passes.

Around major holiday’s, my wife makes notes for herself to stay off social media. We both know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Seeming “normal” families doing “normal” things is painful, even if they are staged. I think it is mostly painful because as the months go by, “normal” things become harder and harder for us. Simply walking downtown to see Christmas lights must be timed perfect. Is Child 2 in an ok mood? Does Child 1 have an attitude? Is our nanny around to be there for Child 3? My wife’s tradition of doing Christmas cookies has also turned into a situation that takes a great deal of thought and effort. Make sure Child 2 doesn’t eat 10 cookies or steal anything (frosting, dough, sprinkles, etc.). Make sure you compliment Child 1 over and over again or she will get a major attitude, and everything will come crashing down. Pray that Child 3 sleeps through it.

Did you notice what I left out? Take another look. I didn’t mention the 1- and 3 year-olds. That’s because we don’t really think about them limiting us in any way. This isn’t really a surprise for me because of my oldest two, but sometimes it is hard to wrap my head around how little we worry about the two little ones compared to the middle three. We certainly get a laugh sometimes when we read about the challenges of having two little ones to parent. Everything is relative, isn’t it?

During the Christmas cookie making I overheard someone ask my wife, “is this what you dreamed of”? I am not sure she answered. If she did it was the blanket nod and smile, we are really good at in these situations. The answer is no, this is not what she or we dreamt of. We never dreamt it would all be so complex and difficult. We never thought it would require so much thought and so much effort every single day without fail. We didn’t think 11 and 9-year-olds would be constantly more difficult than a 3-year-old.

After my last post, a friend of mine (I have very strong opinions on how we use the word “friend”. I won’t allow myself to use it in this case. The right word is acquaintance. This is the right word because I am really, really shitty at staying in touch with friends after our paths don’t cross naturally. It’s the right word to use and it’s the right thing to do. Maybe this should be a blog post topic in 2021.) dm’ed me some kind words. He said, “there is a special place in heaven for you and your wife”. He is certainly right about my wife; I have no doubt about that.

Ultimately his message got me thinking that I need to write a blog post to explain why I write these types of posts. Let me take care of that right now. I write because I know there are other parents out there going through similar things. Other parents with children with special needs. Parents and kids in very difficult situations due to divorce or separation. Parents and kids in very difficult situations due to lack of resources. We all have our shit to deal with. We all face complicated feelings and contradictions deep within us that oftentimes leave us feeling like shit. I have no answers. I can offer a little comfort though. Comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in those feelings and contradictions.

Find that win!

Parenting Disability

It was supposed to be peaceful Saturday. Almost Christmas. Not much left to do thanks to my amazing wife. We looked forward to a simple day. Time together, hanging out on the couch. A welcome and rare thing for us. That’s part of the deal when you have seven kids, not much downtime typically. We also looked forward to the Notre Dame football game that was set to begin at 4. We all look forward to the tradition or routine a football game brings to the day. I think we both love how excited our 3-year-old gets too. A little normalcy in a crazy life and crazy year.

Reality set in around noon. The crash of a large Pyrex bowl shattering as it hits the floor brings us back to reality. If something bad and unusual is going to happen, it is almost always going to involve the younger of the two 11-year-olds. Let’s call her Child 2. Glass was everywhere. We reacted perfectly. No big deal just an accident. I won’t let this “accident” mess up the day.

My wife and I go into cleanup mode. We are experts and a sight to behold. Get the little ones. Sweep it. Vacuum it. All set in a matter of minutes. We are incredibly efficient. We are very experienced. We will keep the peace. We will ignore the fact the bowl dropped because Child 2 was pissed we asked her to eat lunch. We have to encourage her to eat because she continues to lose weight. That’s over, all is good.

About 15 minutes later we must intervene between Child 2 and the other 11-year-old. Let’s call her Child 1. Child 2 has gotten her feelings hurt, again. Child 1 does this deliberately and far too often. We need to address this. Child 2 needs to know we have her back. It’s really hard to talk to Child 1 about these things though due to her trauma and maybe FAS. It tends to be very frustrating and we are unsure if she understands the pain she causes. It’s very difficult to know how to parent her. What words to use. What is the right amount of force and disappointment? How much follow-up reassurance is needed? Will this ever get easier? Will she ever feel like our child?

We made it through. It’s hard and stressful, but that is really relative. This is typical for our life, so we know how to grind through very difficult situations. We are still primed for a relaxing afternoon. Take a deep breath and move on.

Yes. We made it. 4pm. Game time. Bonus, the 1-year-old is down for a nap. Our 3-year-old is ready for the game. This does feel like a nice break from the day-to-day grind.

We are into the second quarter. The game isn’t going well for our team. I don’t really care. One of the few areas I’ve matured in over the years.

The doorbell rings. Ok no big deal. Probably the neighbor kids. Nope. Child 1 and Child 2 are screaming from the front door, IT’S THE NEIGHBORS. (Our neighbors are a great couple. They are a little older than us, their kids are long out of the house by now.). The screaming at the front door is a little embarrassing, but very much expected at this point.

I get up to answer the door. My wife is getting the 1-year-old up from her nap. Our neighbors are very nice. We aren’t close, but they have seen us outside many times this summer and we have talked on a number of occasions. They know we have a big family, and we have big challenges. They don’t understand the depth of the challenges, but they are aware of the issues. How thoughtful. They stopped by to bring us a Christmas card and homemade cinnamon rolls.

We are chatting in the doorway. It’s a little odd that both Child 1 and Child 2 are standing on our stairs inside the doorway while the adults talk. It’s not really surprising and I’ve learned it’s better to ignore than to say anything. All is going well.

We show our neighbors around the house a little. We have made a number of changes they were curious to see as they know the house well. Within 5 minutes of our neighbors coming in, our 9-year-old makes an appearance. Let’s call him Child 3.

When Child 3 makes an appearance, with company around or not, sirens go off around the house (not literally). We immediately move to DEFCON 3, maybe 4. With company of any kind, family, neighbors, or neighbor kids, we go directly to DEFCON 5. My wife and I seem to have developed hypersensitive sensors in our brains that help us navigate when he is around. The only question we have now is how crazy will this get? There is no hope for a reasonably normal interaction. There is nothing left to do but pray – pray no one gets hurt and we aren’t too embarrassed when all is said and done. It’s kind of like watching a funny (or sad) tv show and we are the stars. Buckle up!

He’s clearly ramped. The standard 0-100 mph is less than a second. My wife and the neighbor lady are in the dining room, while the neighbor guy and myself are in the living room. In just a couple minutes he gets his hands on a spray bottle. He sprays everyone in sight. Luckily, he misses the neighbor lady. I’m still in the living room listening intently while still trying to appear engaged in our conversation. I’m waiting for my wife’s call to intervene. Wait, what is that noise?

Why the hell is someone emptying ice cube trays right now? This was clearly not a visit where a drink needed to be offered to our guest. Immediately my mind runs through the standard scenarios. Who could be doing this at such an inappropriate time and within a couple feet of where my wife and neighbor are standing? Child 3 is not capable of emptying the ice cube trays. It’s only Child 1 that would do something like this. Why would she be doing it now? It’s actually very simple. Anything new is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. She can’t miss a minute. Four adults shooting the shit is amazing.

Child 3 has moved to eating. At his last psych visit, I heard a new term – hunger aggression. Why wouldn’t he have that too. He gets an apple sauce. He’s a gentlemen’s so he offers one to our 1-year- old and one to the neighbor lady as well. She politely declines.

The apple sauce goes down smooth, just like that shot of whiskey I desperately want to dull this pain. I work my way into the dining room area to try to better monitor the situation. I’m just in time to hear him tell our neighbors how he doesn’t sleep at night and sneaks down and steals things. Both comments are accurate, so how can I be mad?

Now he’s found a large red bouncy ball (thanks grandpa for winning that damn thing). He is running around the dining room table like a maniac. The sounds coming out of him are unworldly. The chaos is reaching a tipping point it seems. Luckily Child 3 disappears. Where did he go? I’m not sure, but we are moving in the right direction.

Child 1 is now summoning me from upstairs. She tells me Child 3 is using the spray bottle to spray the walls upstairs. I apologize to the neighbors and excuse myself. I don’t think they understand this apology. This one is meant to be a blank check. I’m sorry for everything that has happened and everything that is about to happen. It’s also a signal for them to leave.

The most poignant moment happened around this time. The neighbors were telling us they were headed to their friend’s house after this visit. My wife instinctively turns to me and says, “wouldn’t it be nice if we could have friends?”. I instinctively respond with a yeah, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. We can see this statement catches the neighbors off guard. My wife immediately begins to explain our situation in a little more detail, so they can better understand why she would say such a thing. We like when people have some understanding of how the disabilities our children face feel like they turn our home into a prison. The locks on every door and most cabinets help to hammer home the point.

We rarely say things like this out loud. It catches us both off guard later in the night. It’s a brutal truth we choose to not speak into the world most of the time. We generally keep those thoughts private. Locked down between her and I. More than anything I think it’s a survival technique that we have mastered.

I head upstairs to deal with Child 3. I’ve learned over the years that trying to take the spray bottle away immediately would be a catastrophic mistake. We distract and pray. Communicating with him sometimes requires a special language and always require insane amounts of patience. I’m lucky tonight. I get the spray bottle away from him after lots of communication about random apps he likes. Most important he is not mad. Everything is ok. I head back down and try to pretend I’m a normal adult.

I find the group in the basement chatting. This seems good. Normal. Just the two little ones and the adults. Totally normal. We are shooting the shit about plowing the driveway. Will I do it myself? Hire someone? Hey who mows your yard? This I what normal adults do right? Just then Child 2 sprints down the stairs to tell me Child 3 is threatening to throw his iPad (most prized possession) and himself over the upstairs railing. It is unclear what order he was planning on. I very quickly apologize again, for everything, and run back upstairs to what feels like my second full-time job.

He quickly informs me he does not want his iPad anymore. I remind him we played this game several days ago. He didn’t want the iPad and within minutes he came out asking for it again. His brain is so messed up, it’s painful to watch. Reason never works, so I am forced to take the iPad with me.

I’m not dumb though and I do not want him back downstairs. I stand outside of his door with the iPad and tell myself to give him five minutes. If he doesn’t come out, I will head back down. In less than two minutes he pops out asking for the iPad. I hand it over and say one more prayer – please don’t come out of your room again. His brain should be studied. Will this nightmare just end?

I head back downstairs and realize the neighbors are gone. Thank God! Emotions now are allowed to be felt. Our heads are spinning. Our two neighbors coming over to say Merry Christmas turn our house into total chaos – immediately! They were here for maybe 15 minutes, but it felt like hours. Each of the adopted kids put their disabilities on full display in a very short amount of time. It is really hard to see and believe. I promise it is much harder to live with each day (for them and us).

My wife and I decompress after the kids are in bed. We deal with the stress and sadness. We are reminded of many things. This is why we rarely leave the house. This is why there is stress around every interaction with people. This is why we have few friends that “know” us and certainly none that come to the house. We are reminded why we have so many rules and so much structure. It’s also a reminder why we fight like hell to keep the peace. It’s also a reminder that every time we let our guard down, we are disappointed.

I feel all kinds of emotions tonight. I feel anger and lots of it. I’m not ashamed of this anger. I feel sadness. Sadness for how limited our lives have become. Sadness that having people over and leaving the house is something I don’t look forward to. Sadness that literally anything outside of our very restricted normal will fuck up the day in a major way.

I’m also sad that these kids struggle in the most normal of situations. It’s hard to see their future and have anything but anxiety and fear. There is not much they won’t struggle with every day for the rest of their lives. This reality always is starring us in the face. We are pretty good at ignoring it most of the time.

I feel stress. I feel exhausted. I’m tired of having to be on all the time. There are no breaks from this kind of parenting.

I’m committed to finding my win though. There are always wins. Today it’s actually easy to find those wins. I spent quality time with my wife and little ones and that is always amazing. I put my 3-year-old to bed tonight, which was such a sweet experience. I will miss them when I get older. I chose to get a little cardio in as well, which is always something good for me mentally.

As I type, my wife is snuggled up to me on the couch sleeping soundly. Days like today take a major toll on us. Sleep helps! We both enjoy the peace of her falling asleep on me on our couch. I know we will be ready to attack another day tomorrow. I also know it won’t be easy. In about ten minutes, we will go to bed, together. We always go to bed together. Our bed is our safe place, our place of peace. Going to bed together every night, together is something we look forward to and will always fight to protect. No matter what bullshit goes down during the day, and there is often a ton of it, we always go to bed together. Together we can get through this and live an amazing life. We know we have each other’s backs. We also know that our love is unmovable. There is no amount of chaos that can close in on us that affect how we feel about one another. We take great comfort in that strength. When we have days like this, I think of “our song”. Jack Johnson’s “I Got You”, and specifically these lines:

This weight’s too much alone
Some days I can’t hold it at all
You take it on for me
When tomorrow’s too much
I’ll carry it all
I Got You
And when tomorrow’s too much
I’ll carry it all
I Got You

We will find a way to win tomorrow too!

Should We Be Grateful For COVID?

There is no doubt that COVID has wreaked havoc throughout the world. It has killed more than a million people worldwide, disrupted or ended businesses, forced many into unemployment, and stole some of the peace of mind we have worked so hard to build in our day to day lives.

COVID is clearly a human tragedy and I feel for everyone impacted in a material way by the virus. My family has been largely unaffected by COVID and we do not take that fact for granted. Sure we have had to sacrifice like everyone else. We had to give up extended family Thanksgiving and are trying to figure out Christmas. Those seem inconsequential in the grand scheme of things though. I still have my job. We have a warm home and food. I don’t know anyone that has gotten seriously ill or died from the virus. I guess the most significant issue we have faced is having our kids home for school for the majority of the year. That is a major challenge for our kids with special needs, but we are surviving it and again in the grand scheme of things it isn’t that big of a deal.

As I thought about COVID’s impact on me personally, I came to many realizations. The main takeaway was that there were many things that were better as a result of COVID. I thought I would share some of these as we are all bracing for what is to come over the next three to six months.

Kids – With school being virtual most of the year, the kids are around more. This has certainly created challenges in our home, but it has also led to countless interactions that would have not happened otherwise. The random chats in the kitchen or my office during the work/school day would never have happened. I already feel how much I will miss those when things return to “normal”.

Lessons – There have been many opportunities to teach lessons due to COVID. Life is not fair! Life will never be fair! Bad shit happens. You miss out on opportunities. Reality does not always meet expectations. But you know what, life goes on. Own the reality and move forward as best you can. There is no time to worry about the past as it is long gone. There is no time for the what if’s that are so easy to dwell on. Life is too short! There is another hard truth – no one else really cares about what you missed out on. They are dealing with their own shit.

Beyond You – COVID has been a great opportunity to hammer home the importance of thinking beyond yourself. Wear a mask to protect your loved ones, your friends, and those that you may come in contact with first. Protecting yourself is a byproduct of protecting those around you. Helping more around the house and with the normal chores of everyday life. Lessons can be taught about how to be selfless and to put others first.

Parents are Human – COVID has allowed my wife and I to show our children that parents are human too. We face many difficult decisions as adults. Some of these decisions require much discussion and thought and even after all that talking and thinking they are still a challenge. COVID has helped us show our children that parents are people too and not everything comes easy to us. I hope letting them see our decision-making processes and being open about how we arrive at decisions serve them well as they move toward adulthood.

Priorities – Due to the limited availability of external activities and distractions we have been forced to look internal and really figure out what makes us happy (and not). If we really take the time to look hard at our feelings during this pandemic, we may be able to make great progress towards pursuing and doing the things that truly make us happy. More importantly, it may allow you to let go of the gimmicks that really don’t bring any happiness at all.

Home – Our hand was ultimately forced to move to a new home. We didn’t need to, but the size of our family and the constantly growing needs was becoming a challenge for us. We were very fortunate to find a home that is probably as close to perfect for us as we will ever find. We couldn’t be happier to have made this move.

Realization – Life is not hard. I’ve been forced to think about what we are living through now and other significant events in our history. Doing so makes it very easy to realize that what we are going through is minor compared to other events in history (World Wars, Disease, etc.). Our sacrifices are minimal at best compared to those made previously. The majority in this country are blessed with comforts that generations before us could not have fathomed, not to mention those born in other countries. We have built cocoons for ourselves that are very hard to penetrate. We are blessed to expect full cupboards, full gas tanks, and access to the very best care – on demand – all the time. The lives most of us lead in this country are not close to difficult. Any difficulties we may face are almost always self-inflicted.

Politics – COVID has shined a spotlight on politics and how disruptive and degenerative they can be. Politicians are men and women. They are flawed, self-interested, and deserve no more respect or admiration than the stranger you see walking down the street. We would all be very well served to rethink our affiliations and who we attach ourselves to.

Work – COVID forced me into a new role at work. One that was more public, on the front lines so to speak. I ended up being the main participant in nearly 50 webinars, 30 videos, and wrote 50 blog posts in about 6 months. Before COVID I had done 0, 0 and 0, respectively. This significant change was exactly what I needed. Feeling value doing something that takes up so many hours each day is absolutely essential. It’s elusive for many and had been for me for many years. COVID has helped me get in my “right seat”. I am very grateful for that.

Health – During this time, my belief that health is our most important asset has only grown. Being healthy in all ways, mentally, emotionally, and physically could not be more important. A healthy person can get through anything. Health, like anything else of value, must be worked on everyday. That work is not easy and it shouldn’t be. The value and improvements you make through that hard work are also not always easy to see or measure. The cost of poor health is very easy to see though. The price you pay only gets more costly as you grow older.

My focus or mantra these days is “find your win”. You don’t need to win the whole day. You need to find your win each day. It’s always there. Some days it will be obvious. Some days are a mindfuck (especially if you live in this house – see my older posts) and you have to search harder. Find it. Focus on it. Build off of it. Little wins build momentum. Positive momentum leads to easier wins tomorrow.

As I close this blog post, I head off to exercise. I will face something difficult and challenging – on purpose. At the end of the next 60 minutes or so, I will have won the hour. No matter what happens the rest of the day I have a win that cannot be taken away from me. Of equal importance is the fact that this win will help me win the next hour and the hour after that.

Go find your win!

Parenting in a FAS World

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It’s been a long time since I posted about our life parenting two kids with FAS and one with severe trauma. Honestly, I was simply wore out. I didn’t have the energy to write about it or even think too much about it. The day to day grind of it all was more than enough. Certainly, COVID didn’t help. It was absolutely exhausting.

It’s exhausting in so many ways, often times in ways that can be very hard to put words to. Some of the exhaustion is how few people can actually relate to what it is like to try to navigate parenting in this extreme environment. I don’t blame them, it’s very difficult to understand or relate if you haven’t experienced the things someone else has experienced. I don’t know anyone that has a child that is a flight risk at all times (many times for reasons that aren’t obvious), or a child that has made numerous death threats to other family members (how do you process that?), or a child that may simply prefer not to be part of this family.

The other challenging part we face is it isn’t easy to receive help. That may not make sense to most people that read this. We can’t simply get a babysitter for an hour or two. Often, we can’t even have family help us unless the situation is just right. We are so appreciative of all the help we do get, but the amount of effort that goes into planning and communicating is overwhelming. Not to mention watching and waiting for the text message or phone call to come that asks us to get home because something is up. I totally get why it is hard to understand why the stars must be aligned for things to go well. I know it’s also hard to understand why the kids don’t always enjoy normal kid activities and many times if things aren’t perfect or something changes unexpectedly things get off the rails immediately. I feel bad about this for those that help us. It probably doesn’t feel good and I’m sure is confusing.

I’m not a musical person, but I love music. That’s not totally accurate, I love lyrics. I’m sure I’m not alone in loving lyrics I can relate to. Lyrics that help to make sense of life and help you hold on to some hope that you are not alone in whatever you are feeling. I heard a song the other day that I’ve listened to hundreds of times before. But on this day, it spoke to me in a different way. I felt as if it was speaking about all the things my wife and I feel raising our three adopted, brain damaged, and traumatized kids.

I’ve loved the Counting Crows for what must be 25 years now. I love the lyrics that make up their songs. The song that spoke to me the other day is called “Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby”. The song is like one big metaphor for the life we as parents live with these challenging kids. I bet it will ring true for those in a similar situation and hopefully will help shed light on what it is like to raise challenging kids for everyone else.

“Well, I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame. I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame”.

This parenting life is a tightrope. One that I have not walked in any other part of my life. You end up humbled most days by just how little you know. How important the brain is and how so much of who we are develops before we can even talk. Sadly, there is no fortune and fame to be found in this life. All there are is small wins that most wouldn’t recognize as wins at all. These tiny wins are so hard to hold onto. Many days feel like we are doing something extremely dangerous, we are holding on for dear life, and there is no safety net. You can’t train for this experience.

“If you’ve never stared off in the distance, then your life is a shame
And though I’ll never forget your face,
sometimes I can’t remember my name”.

Personally, I have to be very careful not to stare off I to the distance. I can’t give too much thought to the reality of the situation, the near future, the long-term future, what could have been or what should have been. Those are dangerous thoughts. Sometimes when tough days stack up on one another it is hard to remember what normal is. Sometimes it can be hard to remember who I am without the stress in my life. The effort never stops.

“And there is always one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring; And the last one out of the circus has to lock up everything; Or the elephants will get out and forget to remember what you said“.

These lines sum of nicely how dialed in you have to be as a parent to these kids – at all times! If you let your guard down all hell is bound to break loose. Plan for the worst and pray for something better than that. Yes, you pray for it, you don’t expect something better because you will be let down. It takes a long time to break a parent of that hope. The hope that your child will make a better choice next time or the time after that. Those are hard realizations that I think most parents don’t have to experience. You can read about some of those experiences in my past posts (I’ll link them below). I could write several more blog posts about crazy things that have happened just since we moved into a new house several months ago. We’ve made a million mistakes and try our best to learn from them all.

Our new house has more space. We were in desperate need of more space. We needed bedrooms and we needed bathrooms. We needed more space! We were very fortunate to find a house and location that fits us very well. Nothing is perfect though and we found we still didn’t get it totally right. We ended up changing around bedrooms once already to keep the peace. Every time we think we have something figured out we are brought back to reality very quickly. I think sometimes we think age (11, almost 11 and 9) will make things easier. It doesn’t. And unfortunately, I think it will continue to make it harder.

Speaking of locking the doors, we lock everything. We have locked all kinds of things. Doors, cabinets, our freezer and on and on. We lock up cabinets that we keep food in. We lock up access to certain bedrooms, my office and the basement. The basement is an important one because if we don’t thing go missing really fast and you are bound to find a kid down there watching TV all night. There isn’t much in our house that doesn’t require a password. Sometimes it can feel like a prison, but it keeps things under control and is an easy trade off considering what the alternative looks like.

All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep
Hey I can bleed as well as anyone, but I need someone to help me sleep.

I’m all over the place on the lines above. Those razor perceptions or judgements that go along with raising any kids, but especially challenging kids is an interesting space to live in. My personality generally lends itself to not caring about anyone’s opinions. Sometimes though it gets to me and I want to sit people down and explain everything we live with. Give me several hours to bend your ear before suggesting things seem to be getting better or we should try this or that. I understand that comments and suggestions are well intended, but they miss the mark every single time.

“So I throw my hand into the air and it swims in the beams; It’s just a brief interruption of the swirling dust sparkle jet stream; Well, I know I don’t know you and you’re probably not what you seem”.

We carry sadness of realizing we will never really know who our kids were supposed to be. They were taken from us before they were born, never to return. We will do everything we can to help them live their best lives, but these lives aren’t what they should have been. They shouldn’t be this hard. They deserved better.

“When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor; And orders another. well, I wonder what he did that for“.

I think my wife and I feel these lines most often. The “is this real” moment. These lines represent the uncertainty we live with every day. The 0-100 escalations in a blink of an eye. The unusual and unpredictable behavior. The stories we could tell. The sadness we’ve felt. It can be a lot.

That’s when I know that I have to get out cause; I have been there before”.

These two lines are exactly who my wife and I are not. We won’t get out, we don’t want to get out, but we most certainly have been here many times before and will be here many times again. We will continue to show up. We will continue to mess this up. We will pick ourselves up. There is no other way. We will be better than yesterday!

You can see a million miles tonight
But you can’t get very far

These two lines are really sad. I think parents with challenging kids face these thoughts. Knowing the whole world is out there to explore, but you can’t leave the house (sometimes even for simple things). Knowing what they will never be able to do or experience. Knowing you will never have that full relationship with them. It’s especially hard when you have neurotypical kids and you see all the promise, the complete lack of any limitations on them.

You can never escape, you can only move south down the coast

I went through the song as it was written, except for the line above. This line is near the beginning, but I want to use it to close. It explains very well what really good parents of these challenging kids do. Good parents are those that try, those that do not give up even with the odds are against you. They are the ones that realize that they have to move with their kids. They realize they need to meet them where they are today and that tomorrow they probably aren’t in that same place. It’s not easy, sometimes they are hard to find. Sometimes they don’t want to be found. There are many potholes, traffic jams and accidents along the way, but you keep moving. You have to find what works and more importantly in this world find what doesn’t. You have to accommodate as best you can, but more than anything you have to keep moving. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway?

https://yougotnocontrol.com/2020/01/26/this-is-fas-part-ii/

https://yougotnocontrol.com/2020/02/02/this-is-fas/

https://yougotnocontrol.com/2020/02/11/fas-the-chase/

Who are you voting for?

I don’t care who you are voting for, but thought it was a catchy title for this post. It’s election season after all. I do care about your why though. Have you thought about the reasons you vote for a specific candidate?

We are less than a month away from our general election. I can’t wait for that day. Social media will be lit up with pictures of “I Voted 2020” stickers plastered front and center on t-shirts. I’m trying really hard not to go down a rabbit hole on discussing why so many feel compelled to tell the world they voted. Moving on.

So why do you vote the way you do? It may be very simple. You identify as a Democrat, so you vote Democrat. You believe the Democratic party shares your beliefs as it relates to policy issues. The assumption here is that you understand what the party believes in and the individuals elected will continue to push those policies forward.

It could be far more complex though. Maybe your values don’t align closely enough with a single party. What do you do then? It seems like most Americans would fall into this camp. We certainly have a strong tendency in this country to align with a tribe, but I find it hard to believe that most of us can find a tribe with something as complex as politics. Politics span the idea continuum – from the economy to healthcare to foreign policy and everything in between. I certainly fall into the camp of neither party aligning closely enough with the majority of the policies I believe in. That feels ok to me, it feels right. It feels right because most things in life are grey, so why would something as complex as politics be different? There is very little that is truly black and white. I’d argue that if you think something is black and white then you haven’t thought hard enough on it.

I’m sorry, but this post isn’t going to enlighten you or help you make any political decisions. This post is meant to shed light (again) on the environment we live in that makes gathering information and making educated decisions very difficult. This post is meant to drive you to want to gather as much information as possible before you vote. To think critically about why you are choosing candidate A versus candidate B.

Election season is in full go mode. We witnessed an amazing debate last week (yes that is sarcasm). I think it is intellectually dishonest to call these things debates anyway. Even when they are under control, they are not structured in a way where we can actually learn anything about what a candidate thinks. They are meant to provide sound bites for the various news outlets.

We are being flooded with information in every way imaginable. We get text messages and phone calls. We see political yard signs and billboards. Seemingly every website you go to will have a political ad. TV ads are never ending. And the direct mail, all that mail that I feel obligated to glance at out of respect for the dead trees. These two old parties (not Trump and Biden, but the Republicans and Democrats) are relentless. I think it is important to take a step back and realize what is really behind these presidential candidates, as well as everyone else running.

I am oversimplifying this, but at the end of the day these two parties are nothing more than two large businesses. They have significant revenues, significant expenses, and hundreds of people working for them.

The Democrats and Republicans each have three major party committees. Each committee is designed to focus on a specific a specific office – President, Senate and House. These parties have raised a combined $1.586 billion dollars during the 2020 election cycle (per ballotpedia.org). Let’s say that again, $1.586 billion dollars raised in about 20 months. By all measures, these organizations are mid-size businesses at a minimum. Businesses have a mission and in this case the mission is to influence or win your vote – by all means necessary.

Ultimately these organizations are nothing more than large media companies – pushing an agenda. They don’t do it with meaningful information. They do it with catching taglines, very loose uses of the “truth”, and anything else they can think of that will catch your attention. Their incentives are simple – to gain power. What is more important than power? That is certainly a meaningful motivator.

If you aren’t affiliated with a party or you are an uninformed voter, you must be aware of their motivations. If you aren’t aware, you can easily get sucked into meaningless information that is barely at the level of gossip. If you are affiliated with a party, then this information will always hit the mark with you.

I know it is an uphill battle. Educating yourself in today’s environment is a ton of work. Everyone is seemingly against us. The political parties, social media company’s algorithms, untrustworthy news organizations, and on and on and on.

You must take this on though. Do the work, put in the effort. Not just on the candidates, but on yourself as well. Decide what topics and policies are critical to you and focus on those, vote on those.

Freedom comes with great responsibility. Many say voting is one of those responsibilities, I say being an educated vote is the real responsibility. I’ll leave you with a quote. I think we have strayed very far from it and need to find the path again – quickly!

Freedom makes a huge requirement of every human being. With freedom comes responsibility. For the person who is unwilling to grow up, the person who does not want to carry his own weigh, this is a frightening prospect.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Can we fix this?

My early morning cardio sessions are always accompanied by a documentary of some kind. I’ve been making my way through “No Direction Home” on Netflix, which is mostly about Bob Dylan. I have always liked his music – I’m a sucker for meaningful lyrics. A seemingly random 30 seconds of the documentary caught my attention and I ended up watching it several times over.

“If everybody really listened to his own conscience and really acted upon what he thought was right and wrong rather than being so hopelessly passive, which I think every, just about everybody is. I think it’s probably the main disease, the passivity where we’ll listen to whatever anybody else says. It’s daddy, mommy, and schoolteacher, and Sunday schoolteacher, and president.” Joan Baez said it. I had no idea who she was before watching this documentary and honestly it doesn’t really matter who said it. It was the words that struck me.

She said those words 60 years ago and they are as true today as they probably were then. She calls into question our willingness to think critically about the issues of the day. She puts the blame squarely on the individual, essentially calling those unwilling to think for themselves lazy. It’s hard to argue with her sentiment, isn’t it?

It’s easy to blame people. It’s also very difficult. I don’t think we are actively trying to avoid thinking. I think it has become the defining characteristic of our culture today. We have gone out of our way to create enough distractions to ensure we never have a spare moment to think.

Most of us have turned ourselves into robots. We feel nothing as we spend our days taking in massive amounts of information in real time. Others have visceral reactions to every clip and to every tweet. Every clip, every tweet, every comment is life and death. The information comes to us so efficiently, so effortlessly.

In both cases it is clear there isn’t time to think. There isn’t time to question the validity of what is put in front of us. There isn’t time to question if you have looked at the story from all angles. And there certainly isn’t time to question why we think the way we do.

The point in all of this that I have been stuck on and have been stuck on at various times in my life is the idea of independent thinking. This idea can easily be expanded to a conversation about free will, but I think it is best not to go there yet.

It’s hard for me to conclude that most of us aren’t sheep, following the herd this way and that. Never taking the time to question our thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. To fix what may be the most significant problem we have in this country begins with a simple question, are the thoughts, ideas, and beliefs you hold dear even your own? You are responsible for them to be certain, but are they your own?

Over the years, this idea about what you believe and are these beliefs your own has driven me to be turned off by important ideas/groups. Specifically, religion and politics, but also something as simple as sports in this country. If mom and dad are Catholic, then I am a Catholic and my way of life is the right one. If mom and dad are Republicans, then I am a Republican and my view of politics is the right one. If mom and dad love the Tigers, Lions and Pistons, then I love them to. How can I not, I live in Michigan after all.

Allowing myself to simply ignore very important topics like religion and politics because I was turned off by how people come to believe this or that was the wrong decision. It was lazy. That decision allowed me to become disengaged and not pursue my own thoughts on very important issues. Issues that plague our country and our communities today.

We must have the courage to think critically about our beliefs and what we are willing to stand for. What really matters to you? What are you willing to expose to the world because it means that much to you? Your religion? Abortion, immigration, the environment, guns? Have you thought deeply about these things that matter so much to you? Are you willing to listen to others that may disagree with you? These are the first steps in rebuilding our country.

It is true that we live in a free country and we can do whatever we want or more likely not do anything at all. It’s also true that everything we do, or not do, has consequences and these consequences will have long lasting effects. Our actions and inactions will be passed on to the next generation. They will use what we did and didn’t do as a playbook for how they should live their lives. I wonder if we will be proud? I won’t be. I desperately want the next generation to think deeply, to find ways to a common ground on topics that are so polarizing today. It’s starts with us and it starts now.

Vote?

Yesterday was National Voter Registration Day, not like I must tell you. I am sure your social media apps were covered with messages reminding you to vote. Celebrities championing the message, doing what they can to get people registered to vote.

The message is a good one. The next message will be to. Get out and vote! Make your voice heard! And so on. They are great messages. Voting is one of the key things that make our country great.

The issue I have is those messages are only part of the message that should be pushed on every single American citizen. The missing part of the message is education. Why don’t I see and hear celebrities blasting the message, “educate yourself, the election is almost here”. What about a call for people to do some deep thinking? Shouldn’t people know what issues they care about the most and where candidates stand on those issues? Is it ok to simply vote on party lines – ever?

I am all for registering as many as possible to vote. I am all for all registered voters getting to the polls.

I am completely against pushing those two messages though without another message that focuses solely on education. It’s not clear to me that people that don’t know the candidates and don’t know the policies and ideas that define them should vote at all.

The troubling part of all of this is it takes more work than ever to truly know what the candidates stand for and even then, the winds could change. We have a responsibility to do our best to understand the men and women we put in office.

We must not forget these individuals are no better and no smarter than anyone else. They are there to do one job, serve the people and they must be held accountability to that. Oh, and those celebrities. They are just people too. No better and no smarter than anyone else. And they come with their own biases and agendas. Think for yourself. Be accountable to yourself!

Have We Always Been Lost?

I haven’t posted in five months or so. It’s taken me a lot of time to wrap my head around everything going on in this country. I’ve also had a lot going on personally (good things and challenging things). I’m slowly coming back around to wanting and needing to write. I need to make sense of what is going on and where we go from here (impact on my family and the country). I’m excited to be writing again.

I’ve started reading Seneca again (the Stoic philosopher). My perspective on his writings has evolved as I see opportunities to apply the lessons to the world at large versus the micro view I have taken historically. In the past, I would try to use the lessons, and Stoicism in general, only in my personal life. By that I mean, I tried to apply his teachings to my family life (read my early posts to get a taste of that) or to my work life. I never looked beyond those “walls” though. Not looking beyond my personal situation was short-sighted, which has become crystal clear given the current environment we are living in.

In the last six months alone, our country has come face to face with a pandemic, police brutality, racism, protests, riots, vandalism, violence, and an upcoming election between two individuals that are not inspiring and seemingly have no chance of leading this country out of the mess we find ourselves.

Each of these observations is worthy of a blog post. That thought doesn’t interest me much given how much you can read on these topics today. This brings me to why I am writing. My concern is we don’t really know what is actually going on – and it is getting worse. The amount of inaccurate information – on purpose or not – seems to be overwhelming. It makes those of us who are looking for the truth frustrated and in a difficult spot to make educated decisions. More concerning, this misinformation empowers those that have little interest in the truth. These individuals are focused only on their view of the world. They are always right and the counter argument is always wrong. In today’s highly volatile environment, this reality, and the desperate need to prove how right you really are has led to widespread destruction and at times death.

It’s not clear to me if anyone knows what they are actually fighting for. I think there was a cause early on. I think that cause has turned into a scapegoat of sorts. Radical individuals or organizations looking for a reason to create chaos and destruction in this country – to what end I don’t know. Like Winston Churchill said, “Never let a good crisis go to waste.”

Throughout the remainder of this post, I am going to quote Seneca. The quotes all come from, The Tao of Seneca, Volume 1, Letter 7 – On Crowds. This letter has helped me frame my thoughts on several very important issues plaguing this country and myself.

“Do you ask me what you should regard as especially to be
avoided? I say, crowds; for as yet you cannot trust yourself to
them with safety. I shall admit my own weakness, at any rate; for
I never bring back home the same character that I took abroad
with me. Something of that which I have forced to be calm within
me is disturbed; some of the foes that I have routed return again.
Just as the sick man, who has been weak for a long time, is in such
a condition that he cannot be taken out of the house without suffering a relapse, so we ourselves are affected when our souls are
recovering from a lingering disease.
To consort with the crowd is harmful; there is no person who
does not make some vice attractive to us, or stamp it upon us, or
taint us unconsciously therewith. Certainly, the greater the mob
with which we mingle, the greater the danger.”

“Taint us unconsciously”. There is enough data today to clearly tell us that we are being led in a certain direction, based on our preferences and habits. We are the puppets. What’s crazy is the CEO’s of some of these companies are telling us this directly and we simply don’t care. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said, “Social-media companies are failing their users by creating echo chambers that encourage polarization”. Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon said, “I think social media is increasing, unfortunately, identity politics, [and] tribalism. I think the internet in its current incarnation is a confirmation bias machine,”. “If you have a going in point of view and you go do some searches, you find confirmation of your point of view. If your newsfeed is showing you things, it’s showing you things that confirm your point of view.” Isn’t this exactly what we are seeing playing out today across the country – from coast to coast?

I strongly recommend watching “The Social Dilemma” on Netflix for more information on this topic from social media insiders. Tech executives and programmers at these companies go on the record telling us all what is going on and how we are being manipulated. There is no incentive for these companies to give us a balanced look at a certain topic – that isn’t going to move their needle.

“But nothing is so damaging to good character as the habit of
lounging at the games; for then it is that vice steals subtly upon
one through the avenue of pleasure.
What do you think I mean? I mean that I come home more
greedy, more ambitious, more voluptuous, and even more cruel
and inhuman, because I have been among human beings. By
chance I attended a mid-day exhibition, expecting some fun, wit,
and relaxation—an exhibition at which men’s eyes have respite
from the slaughter of their fellow-men. But it was quite the
reverse. The previous combats were the essence of compassion;
but now all the trifling is put aside and it is pure murder. The
men have no defensive armour. They are exposed to blows at all
points, and no one ever strikes in vain.
Many persons prefer this programme to the usual pairs and
to the bouts “by request.” Of course they do; there is no helmet
or shield to deflect the weapon. What is the need of defensive
armour, or of skill? All these mean delaying death. In the morning
they throw men to the lions and the bears; at noon, they throw
them to the spectators. The spectators demand that the slayer
shall face the man who is to slay him in his turn; and they always
reserve the latest conqueror for another butchering. The outcome
of every fight is death, and the means are fire and sword. This sort
of thing goes on while the arena is empty.
You may retort: “But he was a highway robber; he killed a man!”
And what of it? Granted that, as a murderer, he deserved this
punishment, what crime have you committed, poor fellow, that
you should deserve to sit and see this show? In the morning they
cried “Kill him! Lash him! Burn him! Why does he meet the
sword in so cowardly a way? Why does he strike so feebly? Why
doesn’t he die game? Whip him to meet his wounds! Let them
receive blow for blow, with chests bare and exposed to the stroke!”
And when the games stop for the intermission, they announce:
“A little throatcutting in the meantime, so that there may still be
something going on!”

This last line rings true doesn’t it? We have a constant need to know what is going on in the world. The phone dinged or vibrated, I have to look. Maybe there are message or notifications that I cannot miss. If I have to go to the bathroom, my phone is coming with me. Exercising, traveling, eating, I can’t be without my phone. I need to know what the latest news is. It seems we are more and more incapable of existing in our own head space.

I think the question that needs to be asked is a simple one, why? Why do I need to look at my phone and those apps all the time? What am I getting out of it? Am I actually learning anything? Is there any real value being provided by these apps? I don’t have the answers, but I am asking myself these questions.

“Much harm is done by a single case of indulgence or greed;
the familiar friend, if he be luxurious, weakens and softens
us imperceptibly; the neighbour, if he be rich, rouses our
covetousness; the companion, if he be slanderous, rubs off some
of his rust upon us, even though we be spotless and sincere. What
then do you think the effect will be on character, when the world
at large assaults it! You must either imitate or loathe the world.”

This is where I truly get concerned. Our reliance on our smart phones and computers expose us to the entire world. We know that other countries are taking shots at us. They are poking holes in our character and at the moral fabric of the country. We know about Russia and China intentionally interfering with our elections. We would be naive to think it stops there. The crazy thing is even with this knowledge we don’t make any changes to our habits. We don’t delete Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We can’t see this interference directly, so we simply go on with our day. I am not sure we would change our habits even if something happened directly to us. Sounds like an addiction doesn’t it? You know it’s bad for you, but you can’t stop yourself.

Our country seems to be headed for some disastrous event or events if we continue on this path. The only solution that seems to have any chance of success is a large group of people coming together and talking openly and honestly about the issues that plague their communities and their families. Clearly there are polarizing topics that will never be “settled”, but there is no reason compromise and moderation cannot be our path to a peaceful and developing society. We clearly aren’t on that path now. Reading Seneca makes me wonder how much we have really evolved. He died in 65 AD and his words seem to speak directly to our world today.

3 Pillars

This post has been on my mind for a couple years now. It looked a lot different back then compared to what I am about to write.

UBU (You Be You) was an idea that my oldest daughter and I came up with several years ago. It was born from her desire to help people feel confident in being themselves and my desire to encourage her to never stop being the fiercely independent girl (young woman now I guess 😢) that she is. I never want her to lose the free spirit she has in her. UBU would come up from time to time in passing, but really not much more than her asking me when will we do something with this idea. Can we put it on a shirt or do something “cool” like that? Nothing much happened until a couple months ago when I found this really cool local small business that prints designs on all kinds of products. They do it inexpensively and without having to order dozens of products to make it worth you while. I surprised my daughter with a UBU hat recently. It’s “real” now! Kidding aside, although small and insignificant, it was kind of cool to see our idea on a product.

UBU has really taken on a life of it’s own in my mind. A confluence of thoughts banging around in my head have brought it into focus. It’s also expanded rapidly and grew into something much more. Let me explain what is going on in my head.

First, the very clear racial divide our nation faces was brought center stage by the recent killings of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Rayshard Brooks. These deaths and all the other information coming out about how difficult it is to live in this country if your skin isn’t white is overwhelming. It also took our simple idea of UBU and turned it on it’s head. For some, UBU is simply not possible, not without the threat of violence and death on your mind. Story after story about black people not feeling comfortable going for a run or taking a walk in their neighborhood sadden me. Reading a story about a black man that purposely doesn’t walk in his own neighborhood without his daughter because if she is by his side then he is “ok” was sickening. So much for UBU.

It is hard to comprehend that in this country, in 2020, we have large groups of people that are disadvantaged because of the color of their skin. It embarrasses me and I feel ashamed. Obviously this is a very complex topic and I am doing my best to work through as much information as I can. I want to figure out how best I can help to change this crisis our country faces. For now, I will read and I will listen.

While our country is playing chicken with what feels like a race war, we’ve had challenges inside our own home with our three adopted kids. I’ve written about them before. I’ve written about the immense challenges they face and the challenges we face trying to parent them. I won’t repeat those stories, but can say I am certain there is nothing harder I will ever do in my life than try to navigate this very complex world of fetal alcohol syndrome and significant trauma. Fortunately, I haven’t had any stories like my daughter yelling “stranger danger” as I try to get her back in our car recently. Unfortunately, what I am about to write is really much more difficult.

I’ve come to the realization that I have to be a much better dad to my adopted kids, to my brain damaged adopted kids. These kids have damaged brains because of what they were exposed to before and after they were born. We won’t ever fully understand the extent of the damage, but we are starting to see some of it play out as we watch our two little biological girls grow and develop very quickly on one end of the age spectrum and my two older biological kids thrive at the other end of the age spectrum.

These kids can be really, really hard sometimes or maybe most of the time. Their behaviors are extremely challenging and very difficult to understand. We go out of our way to make accommodations and do what we can to keep the peace for as many minutes of the day as possible. These accommodations help, but they can’t fix the damage that was done.

They are good kids though. I know their behaviors are not intentional. Unfortunately that doesn’t always stick in my head as the daily grind gets the better of me. As time has gone on and they have gotten older, it is becoming clear they are lagging behind their peers as it relates to school and play. This hasn’t been easy for me to adjust to. I’ve been very fortunate. My older biological kids are “easy”. They do very well at most things. I’m able to push them and challenge them to be better because I know they understand why I’m doing it and I know what they are capable of. I can already see it in my 2.5-year-old too. I haven’t adjusted to the fact that our soon to be 11-year-olds’ play similar to my 2.5-year-old. It’s even harder for me to comprehend that my almost 9-year-old’s play hasn’t evolved in the entire time I’ve known him (5+ years). His play consists of banging two legos or blocks together for hours on end, using very few words. My favorite (sarcasm) is at about 8PM every night he begins pounding on the floor directly about our living room for hours. It can be a lot.

So where does UBU fit in? I realized these kids can’t be themselves without feeling judged either. Judged by strangers, judged by their peers, and although it’s painful to say, judged by me. It may not be verbal, but I know I do it. I know my facial expressions tell them I am trying to figure out why they are acting a certain way when I should simply be ok with who they are and where they are today.

As I continue to look inward in 2020, I realize our UBU idea is a very good one. It is a meaningful one, even if I am the only one that gets something from it. UBU should be practiced and said throughout the day. It is my mantra, I say it often now. Instead of cracking that innocent joke when we see a guy driving by himself in a car with a mask on, I smile and say UBU to myself and my kids. This change in how I think has been a positive one for me. The innocent jokes were never meant to hurt or harm anyone, but I think they were harming my mind. The bottom line is if you aren’t hurting anyone, including yourself, then UBU – always!

As time has gone on something else was taking shape too. The guiding principles I want to live my life by were becoming clear. UBU took me to what I call my 3 Pillars. The name is not creative and I spent no time coming up with it, but regardless let me lay it out for you.

The 3 Pillars help guide me towards living my very best life. They are Accountability, Courage, and Effort (A.C.E). These pillars are surrounded by the Koru. The Koru is a spiral shape based on the appearance of a new unfurling silver fern frond. It symbolizes new life, growth, strength and peace.

Let me define each of the pillars.

Accountability is defined as “answerable for actions or decisions”. As it relates to my life, I break it down further into what I am fully responsible for:

Everything I do and say
My relationships
The roles I’ve chosen to take on

Courage is defined as “the ability to do something that frightens oneself”. This means two very important things to me:

Courage to live your authentic life, free of concern of the crowd – I am not a sheep
Courage to evolve based on constantly learning and questioning my thoughts, opinions, and actions

Effort is defined as “a vigorous or determined attempt”. This one seems like it is the easiest, but I think in today’s world it may be the most difficult.

I will show up and I will do something
I will make forward progress, without concern for how much or how little I gain each day

As I explained above, the Koru is a symbol for new life, growth, strength, and peace. I think the Koru is a perfect symbol for how I choose to live my life. I will continuously grow. It won’t be easy and it will take time, but I will continue to grow.

How will I apply what I wrote above? As it relates to the world and specifically the injustices the black community continues to face, I’ll listen. I’ll do my very best to understand. I’ll take what I hear and will find a way to make a positive impact. Maybe that is as simple as educating my kids or maybe there is a larger role for me to play. Regardless I’ll put in the effort necessary to make a difference.

As it relates to my family, I will find a way to meet the very unique needs of my adopted kids. I’ll meet them where they are without judgment. I’ll support all of my kids in whatever way is best for each of them. And when I screw it up, I will try again.

We are living through unprecedented times in our country’s history. Perhaps this is the moment my generation will have that goes down in history. When I look back or talk to my grand kids about this time I want to do so proudly. I want to be able to say I showed up and I tried. I was courageous because I asked myself the hard questions and was willing to answer them honestly. I put away my preconceived notions about many things and began to look at things through the lens of those living it. I want my kids to know I was strong enough to evolve and get better every day.

Father’s day is several days away and on my mind. When my kids think about me, I want them to remember me as someone that always showed up. I want them to remember their dad was far from perfect, but never ever stopped trying to be better. I want them to know I was willing to challenge everything and everyone on my quest to live an authentic life. I want them to know their dad was not a sheep. More than anything though, I want them to know that regardless of what was going on at the time, their dad always had their back and always loved them!

Why do I write this? I write it for my kids. I want them to be able to look back when they are adults, parents, employees/employers and know it’s ok not to have the world figured out. That things can be hard or they can be easy. That ultimately if you have your heart in the right place everything will work out.

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