A letter to my children….

Your greatest challenge and my greatest hope for you is this – Find Your One! It will not be easy. You will make mistakes. You will get frustrated. You probably will get hurt. You may even hurt others (never do it intentionally, it is not worth it).

There is no rush. Any sense that you are running out of time is not real. There are no rules governing this. When you find this person, you will know. You will probably know immediately. Life is great. Living life with someone you adore enhances how great life really is. Remember, jobs will come and go. Friends will come and go. Sadly, your kids will even come and go (the reality that my kids will move out someday is beginning to hit me). The person you choose for the rest of your life will be there through it all. All the good and all the bad. Finding comfort and excitement in that reality cannot be measured.

Looking around, it is very easy to see most never found the one. I am sure there are countless reasons why this happens. I think there are just a couple reasons that drive most of the misses though. If you do not know yourself, I mean really know yourself, you will not find your one. I think many people feel rushed into finding the one. They see their friends and colleagues moving through the various milestones in life and feel compelled to keep up. Do not fall into this trap. There is a reason the divorce rate is greater than 50 percent.

I started out blogging so my kids could see a different side of me (or ensure they did). Below are other things I have learned in 40 plus years on this Earth. This is for them and I will update it as I move through the rest of my life.

There are no rules. There is not a guidebook to follow. No one has it figured out. Do it your way and on your own pace. Ask questions (ask lots of questions) of those you respect. If you ever worry you are not doing it right and have doubts, simply look around. Most people are just fine, and you will be too.

You got no control. Let go of any preconceived notions that you have control of your life. That is not to say you do not control your actions, you do, and you are fully responsible for those actions. What I mean by no control is you must remember that tomorrow is not a given. Tragedy and hardship may be lurking around any corner. This does not mean you should act recklessly. It does mean that you should strive to get the most out of each day. Only you will know what that means.

Control your ego. Life ends up being pretty simple if you can learn to control your ego. Your decision making will be sounder. Your view of your life, life in general, and those within it will improve dramatically. Your relationships will be deeper. You will learn more. What I want you to know is there is no scoreboard. There is no winning and there is no losing. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

You Be You! Be your authentic self. This will take work and a lot of trust. The outside world will fight like hell to carve you into the person it wants you to be. Do not let it. “Finding yourself” is a journey that has no destination. You will evolve as you grow and have experiences. I think we all know who we are deep down and even more important I think we know who we are not. We should not be ashamed of either and should not apologize for who we are. We should try to be better every single day. Fuck the pressure of what others believe is right, cool, or necessary. You do not (and probably should not) follow the crowd. Challenge yourself every day. Trust your gut. Staying true to your core will set you on your best path.

Effort is always part of the answer. In this life, putting in honest effort will never be a regret. This is especially important in relationships you choose to enter into. Clearly it can apply to work and day to day life as well. Work hard but keep your eyes open. Keeping your eyes open will help you know when it may be time to move on. Being the hardest worker on a sinking ship is not wise.

You are responsible for yourself. Take ownership of yourself and your surroundings. Leave the excuses to others. I believe it is rare that something happens to you that truly changes the direction of your life. Take ownership of the little things that feel like big things. Evaluate what they are and determine their value. I think you will find that most things do not have a lasting impact on your life and can be let go rather quickly.

Leave the world a better place. Anytime you can make someone’s day a little bit better, do it. You will never regret it. If you get to the door first, open it. If you see garbage on the ground, pick it up. If the toilet paper roll is out, replace it. If there are dishes that need to be done, clean them. The result is you feel a sense of accomplishment, but more important you will make someone else’s day a little bit better.

It is ok to be taken care of. If someone opens the door for you, step through and say thank you. If someone wants to help you, say yes. It is not a sign of weakness to be taken care of. Coming to rely on being taken care of is a weakness though. Take pride in the fact you can take care of most things on your own. Feel joy and comfort knowing there are people out there happy to help you.

Set boundaries. Not all people and things are good for you or have your best interest at heart (in the case of people, it may not be their fault – have grace). It is not possible or even appropriate in some cases to avoid them all. Set proper boundaries. Boundaries will help you keep relationships and other things in your life contained to mostly positive experiences. Lack of boundaries can lead to negative experiences with people and things that generally can be easily avoided. This too is not easy. It will take experience, and some hurt to determine which people and things need boundaries and what the boundaries need to be.

Protect your health. This is within your control. Mentally and physically, you can choose to work on yourself every single day. Do it! The benefits will pay off forever. Good health is freedom. Good health allows you to do what you want when you want to it without reservation. Without focus, good health can deteriorate quickly and can be extremely difficult to restore. After putting effort into your most important relationships, you should focus on your health. Every single day.

Live below your means. This is another freedom that is completely in your control – financial freedom. Choose to live below your means. Not only will this create good habits for your life, but it will afford you the opportunity to make mistakes that do not have devastating financial consequences. Financial freedom also gives you options that most do not have. Living below your means comes with a very valuable lesson – material possessions do not matter. I believe you will find very quickly that not having whatever you want does not impact your life in any meaningful way. You will find a great deal of freedom when you realize that you have few “needs” and many “wants”. Once you figure this out, you can reduce those “wants” to trivial meaningless things that don’t even make the “want” list anymore.

Have fun, but do not allow yourself to be in a situation you cannot get out of. This can be applied to everything in life, but I am speaking to alcohol or any self-medication now. Remember, lying on your stomach with your arms wrapped around the toilet will be your memory, not all the fun you had leading up to that moment. Your ego will play a role here too. If you have not set it aside, self-medication is even more dangerous.

Life is extremely short. It will not all be pleasant. In the end though, we all move through this life one day at a time. Every day we go to bed and know we will not live the same day over again. We can count on both the good and the bad from the past to be gone. We are living this moment only. Be present for this moment. This moment will pass quickly too. Enjoy them all as best you can. Find those you want to share your moments with. Find the things that truly bring you joy. Spend your time and your resources on these people and things. Do not waste one second. Seconds add up very, very quickly!

As I continue on my journey, I know I parent too often by using the time-honored phrase, “do as I say, not as I do”. I try to improve on that every single day. It is not easy. I want to be a better role model and ultimately a better person. One of the few things I know that I get right is my effort. I will always put in an abnormal level of effort. It is the only way I know how to be. You can count on that. You can count on me to be there, always! I Love You!

Contradictions

It’s December 23rd. Just two days until Christmas. The younger kids are all very excited. My wife and I are very excited to see Christmas through our 3-year-old’s eyes. She has been counting down the days and can’t wait for Santa to come. Excitement is just one of many feelings for my wife and I this time of the year. It’s safe to say that major holidays are one of the most complex times for us emotionally. Why?

If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you know our family is very complex. The feelings we carry for our children are also complex and can vary wildly. Like most parents we are damn good at hiding how we really feel in the moment for the greater good. We have a lot of experience. My last post had a situation that was a perfect example of that.

Child 2 (Age 11) dropped a large glass bowl because she didn’t want to eat. I mentioned we reacted perfectly. No big deal, it was just an accident. Don’t worry about it. That wasn’t really how either of us felt. For several months now we have been dealing with major issues with her. She’s run away on more than one occasion. Literally run away. The first time, my wife and I both were driving around our small town trying to find her. Once we got eyes on her she ran towards and alongside the river. I was able to chase her down eventually. That was a scary one. On the other occasion, I literally went Terry Crews and tackled her broadside off of her cousin’s bike in the street to prevent that chase from becoming something we would have lost. I’d like to avoid calling the police until we have lived her for at least one year. Then there is everything she has taken from us. Food, iPad, various other things you would never think an 11-year-old would want to mess with (Shampoo, Lotion, Bleach, yes Bleach). She has been completely exhausting.

We are gearing up to have some very uncomfortable conversations with Child 1 (Age 11) about how Christmas morning is going to go because we refuse to have her ruin it for us. We have to explain what acceptable behavior in detail. Please let our 3-year-old experience everything for herself. She doesn’t need help understanding what is going on. She doesn’t need to sit in your lap. She doesn’t need help opening her gifts. And oh yeah, we are her parents and can handle anything she needs. We have to tell her the same things about our 1-year-old just to be sure we cover all bases. This may seem insignificant on the surface, but think about having those kinds of conversations with your 11-year-old child. Now think about having those conversations with her on an almost daily basis. Now finally think about having those conversations and you have no idea if she understands you or is playing dumb. Her lack of social awareness and basic family dynamics is completely and utterly exhausting.

And we have Child 3 (Age 9). Last year he slept through Christmas. My wife was sad about that. I think it was sadder that when he did wake up, Christmas wasn’t really a thing. He opened his gifts (mainly candy) and moved on with his day. He asks for almost nothing – really just candy each year. It actually makes sense because he doesn’t play anymore. Hasn’t in a couple years. It feels weird though as parents to not buy your kid toys for Christmas. Based on his current schedule, it is likely he will celebrate Christmas morning with us this year. We will modify literally everything if he is around. We will tell our 3-year-old to wait on opening gifts to allow him to open all of his first because that is what has to happen. She won’t have a problem with this luckily. She is used to waiting because he has to go first. She is a special little girl. I don’t think he will cause any problems for us if we are prepared to let him have a shitload of candy. Believe me, we don’t care. We keep the peace at almost any cost. Mainly we know the fight doesn’t matter. If he gets locked in on something it is best to let it be. There is no lesson to be taught. It’s likely he won’t even remember the situation in several hours.

Our little one’s though, we cannot wait. To see the excitement in my 3-year-old’s eyes is something we can’t wait for. It’s a breath of fresh air to think about. We are also excited to know we will get to experience that first again in a year or two with our baby girl. I’m excited for Christmas with my older two as well. They don’t have the excitement of Christmas in their eyes like they used to, but I know they look forward to our traditions and that makes me very happy. They both bought gifts for everyone in the house on their own this year. I hate how old they are. They are good gift givers and I know they enjoy seeing the reaction on the faces of the kids as they open them. Mostly though, given their ages, I am thankful and happy for the time I have with them. I realize how short it is and how quickly it passes.

Around major holiday’s, my wife makes notes for herself to stay off social media. We both know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Seeming “normal” families doing “normal” things is painful, even if they are staged. I think it is mostly painful because as the months go by, “normal” things become harder and harder for us. Simply walking downtown to see Christmas lights must be timed perfect. Is Child 2 in an ok mood? Does Child 1 have an attitude? Is our nanny around to be there for Child 3? My wife’s tradition of doing Christmas cookies has also turned into a situation that takes a great deal of thought and effort. Make sure Child 2 doesn’t eat 10 cookies or steal anything (frosting, dough, sprinkles, etc.). Make sure you compliment Child 1 over and over again or she will get a major attitude, and everything will come crashing down. Pray that Child 3 sleeps through it.

Did you notice what I left out? Take another look. I didn’t mention the 1- and 3 year-olds. That’s because we don’t really think about them limiting us in any way. This isn’t really a surprise for me because of my oldest two, but sometimes it is hard to wrap my head around how little we worry about the two little ones compared to the middle three. We certainly get a laugh sometimes when we read about the challenges of having two little ones to parent. Everything is relative, isn’t it?

During the Christmas cookie making I overheard someone ask my wife, “is this what you dreamed of”? I am not sure she answered. If she did it was the blanket nod and smile, we are really good at in these situations. The answer is no, this is not what she or we dreamt of. We never dreamt it would all be so complex and difficult. We never thought it would require so much thought and so much effort every single day without fail. We didn’t think 11 and 9-year-olds would be constantly more difficult than a 3-year-old.

After my last post, a friend of mine (I have very strong opinions on how we use the word “friend”. I won’t allow myself to use it in this case. The right word is acquaintance. This is the right word because I am really, really shitty at staying in touch with friends after our paths don’t cross naturally. It’s the right word to use and it’s the right thing to do. Maybe this should be a blog post topic in 2021.) dm’ed me some kind words. He said, “there is a special place in heaven for you and your wife”. He is certainly right about my wife; I have no doubt about that.

Ultimately his message got me thinking that I need to write a blog post to explain why I write these types of posts. Let me take care of that right now. I write because I know there are other parents out there going through similar things. Other parents with children with special needs. Parents and kids in very difficult situations due to divorce or separation. Parents and kids in very difficult situations due to lack of resources. We all have our shit to deal with. We all face complicated feelings and contradictions deep within us that oftentimes leave us feeling like shit. I have no answers. I can offer a little comfort though. Comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in those feelings and contradictions.

Find that win!

Parenting Disability

It was supposed to be peaceful Saturday. Almost Christmas. Not much left to do thanks to my amazing wife. We looked forward to a simple day. Time together, hanging out on the couch. A welcome and rare thing for us. That’s part of the deal when you have seven kids, not much downtime typically. We also looked forward to the Notre Dame football game that was set to begin at 4. We all look forward to the tradition or routine a football game brings to the day. I think we both love how excited our 3-year-old gets too. A little normalcy in a crazy life and crazy year.

Reality set in around noon. The crash of a large Pyrex bowl shattering as it hits the floor brings us back to reality. If something bad and unusual is going to happen, it is almost always going to involve the younger of the two 11-year-olds. Let’s call her Child 2. Glass was everywhere. We reacted perfectly. No big deal just an accident. I won’t let this “accident” mess up the day.

My wife and I go into cleanup mode. We are experts and a sight to behold. Get the little ones. Sweep it. Vacuum it. All set in a matter of minutes. We are incredibly efficient. We are very experienced. We will keep the peace. We will ignore the fact the bowl dropped because Child 2 was pissed we asked her to eat lunch. We have to encourage her to eat because she continues to lose weight. That’s over, all is good.

About 15 minutes later we must intervene between Child 2 and the other 11-year-old. Let’s call her Child 1. Child 2 has gotten her feelings hurt, again. Child 1 does this deliberately and far too often. We need to address this. Child 2 needs to know we have her back. It’s really hard to talk to Child 1 about these things though due to her trauma and maybe FAS. It tends to be very frustrating and we are unsure if she understands the pain she causes. It’s very difficult to know how to parent her. What words to use. What is the right amount of force and disappointment? How much follow-up reassurance is needed? Will this ever get easier? Will she ever feel like our child?

We made it through. It’s hard and stressful, but that is really relative. This is typical for our life, so we know how to grind through very difficult situations. We are still primed for a relaxing afternoon. Take a deep breath and move on.

Yes. We made it. 4pm. Game time. Bonus, the 1-year-old is down for a nap. Our 3-year-old is ready for the game. This does feel like a nice break from the day-to-day grind.

We are into the second quarter. The game isn’t going well for our team. I don’t really care. One of the few areas I’ve matured in over the years.

The doorbell rings. Ok no big deal. Probably the neighbor kids. Nope. Child 1 and Child 2 are screaming from the front door, IT’S THE NEIGHBORS. (Our neighbors are a great couple. They are a little older than us, their kids are long out of the house by now.). The screaming at the front door is a little embarrassing, but very much expected at this point.

I get up to answer the door. My wife is getting the 1-year-old up from her nap. Our neighbors are very nice. We aren’t close, but they have seen us outside many times this summer and we have talked on a number of occasions. They know we have a big family, and we have big challenges. They don’t understand the depth of the challenges, but they are aware of the issues. How thoughtful. They stopped by to bring us a Christmas card and homemade cinnamon rolls.

We are chatting in the doorway. It’s a little odd that both Child 1 and Child 2 are standing on our stairs inside the doorway while the adults talk. It’s not really surprising and I’ve learned it’s better to ignore than to say anything. All is going well.

We show our neighbors around the house a little. We have made a number of changes they were curious to see as they know the house well. Within 5 minutes of our neighbors coming in, our 9-year-old makes an appearance. Let’s call him Child 3.

When Child 3 makes an appearance, with company around or not, sirens go off around the house (not literally). We immediately move to DEFCON 3, maybe 4. With company of any kind, family, neighbors, or neighbor kids, we go directly to DEFCON 5. My wife and I seem to have developed hypersensitive sensors in our brains that help us navigate when he is around. The only question we have now is how crazy will this get? There is no hope for a reasonably normal interaction. There is nothing left to do but pray – pray no one gets hurt and we aren’t too embarrassed when all is said and done. It’s kind of like watching a funny (or sad) tv show and we are the stars. Buckle up!

He’s clearly ramped. The standard 0-100 mph is less than a second. My wife and the neighbor lady are in the dining room, while the neighbor guy and myself are in the living room. In just a couple minutes he gets his hands on a spray bottle. He sprays everyone in sight. Luckily, he misses the neighbor lady. I’m still in the living room listening intently while still trying to appear engaged in our conversation. I’m waiting for my wife’s call to intervene. Wait, what is that noise?

Why the hell is someone emptying ice cube trays right now? This was clearly not a visit where a drink needed to be offered to our guest. Immediately my mind runs through the standard scenarios. Who could be doing this at such an inappropriate time and within a couple feet of where my wife and neighbor are standing? Child 3 is not capable of emptying the ice cube trays. It’s only Child 1 that would do something like this. Why would she be doing it now? It’s actually very simple. Anything new is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. She can’t miss a minute. Four adults shooting the shit is amazing.

Child 3 has moved to eating. At his last psych visit, I heard a new term – hunger aggression. Why wouldn’t he have that too. He gets an apple sauce. He’s a gentlemen’s so he offers one to our 1-year- old and one to the neighbor lady as well. She politely declines.

The apple sauce goes down smooth, just like that shot of whiskey I desperately want to dull this pain. I work my way into the dining room area to try to better monitor the situation. I’m just in time to hear him tell our neighbors how he doesn’t sleep at night and sneaks down and steals things. Both comments are accurate, so how can I be mad?

Now he’s found a large red bouncy ball (thanks grandpa for winning that damn thing). He is running around the dining room table like a maniac. The sounds coming out of him are unworldly. The chaos is reaching a tipping point it seems. Luckily Child 3 disappears. Where did he go? I’m not sure, but we are moving in the right direction.

Child 1 is now summoning me from upstairs. She tells me Child 3 is using the spray bottle to spray the walls upstairs. I apologize to the neighbors and excuse myself. I don’t think they understand this apology. This one is meant to be a blank check. I’m sorry for everything that has happened and everything that is about to happen. It’s also a signal for them to leave.

The most poignant moment happened around this time. The neighbors were telling us they were headed to their friend’s house after this visit. My wife instinctively turns to me and says, “wouldn’t it be nice if we could have friends?”. I instinctively respond with a yeah, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. We can see this statement catches the neighbors off guard. My wife immediately begins to explain our situation in a little more detail, so they can better understand why she would say such a thing. We like when people have some understanding of how the disabilities our children face feel like they turn our home into a prison. The locks on every door and most cabinets help to hammer home the point.

We rarely say things like this out loud. It catches us both off guard later in the night. It’s a brutal truth we choose to not speak into the world most of the time. We generally keep those thoughts private. Locked down between her and I. More than anything I think it’s a survival technique that we have mastered.

I head upstairs to deal with Child 3. I’ve learned over the years that trying to take the spray bottle away immediately would be a catastrophic mistake. We distract and pray. Communicating with him sometimes requires a special language and always require insane amounts of patience. I’m lucky tonight. I get the spray bottle away from him after lots of communication about random apps he likes. Most important he is not mad. Everything is ok. I head back down and try to pretend I’m a normal adult.

I find the group in the basement chatting. This seems good. Normal. Just the two little ones and the adults. Totally normal. We are shooting the shit about plowing the driveway. Will I do it myself? Hire someone? Hey who mows your yard? This I what normal adults do right? Just then Child 2 sprints down the stairs to tell me Child 3 is threatening to throw his iPad (most prized possession) and himself over the upstairs railing. It is unclear what order he was planning on. I very quickly apologize again, for everything, and run back upstairs to what feels like my second full-time job.

He quickly informs me he does not want his iPad anymore. I remind him we played this game several days ago. He didn’t want the iPad and within minutes he came out asking for it again. His brain is so messed up, it’s painful to watch. Reason never works, so I am forced to take the iPad with me.

I’m not dumb though and I do not want him back downstairs. I stand outside of his door with the iPad and tell myself to give him five minutes. If he doesn’t come out, I will head back down. In less than two minutes he pops out asking for the iPad. I hand it over and say one more prayer – please don’t come out of your room again. His brain should be studied. Will this nightmare just end?

I head back downstairs and realize the neighbors are gone. Thank God! Emotions now are allowed to be felt. Our heads are spinning. Our two neighbors coming over to say Merry Christmas turn our house into total chaos – immediately! They were here for maybe 15 minutes, but it felt like hours. Each of the adopted kids put their disabilities on full display in a very short amount of time. It is really hard to see and believe. I promise it is much harder to live with each day (for them and us).

My wife and I decompress after the kids are in bed. We deal with the stress and sadness. We are reminded of many things. This is why we rarely leave the house. This is why there is stress around every interaction with people. This is why we have few friends that “know” us and certainly none that come to the house. We are reminded why we have so many rules and so much structure. It’s also a reminder why we fight like hell to keep the peace. It’s also a reminder that every time we let our guard down, we are disappointed.

I feel all kinds of emotions tonight. I feel anger and lots of it. I’m not ashamed of this anger. I feel sadness. Sadness for how limited our lives have become. Sadness that having people over and leaving the house is something I don’t look forward to. Sadness that literally anything outside of our very restricted normal will fuck up the day in a major way.

I’m also sad that these kids struggle in the most normal of situations. It’s hard to see their future and have anything but anxiety and fear. There is not much they won’t struggle with every day for the rest of their lives. This reality always is starring us in the face. We are pretty good at ignoring it most of the time.

I feel stress. I feel exhausted. I’m tired of having to be on all the time. There are no breaks from this kind of parenting.

I’m committed to finding my win though. There are always wins. Today it’s actually easy to find those wins. I spent quality time with my wife and little ones and that is always amazing. I put my 3-year-old to bed tonight, which was such a sweet experience. I will miss them when I get older. I chose to get a little cardio in as well, which is always something good for me mentally.

As I type, my wife is snuggled up to me on the couch sleeping soundly. Days like today take a major toll on us. Sleep helps! We both enjoy the peace of her falling asleep on me on our couch. I know we will be ready to attack another day tomorrow. I also know it won’t be easy. In about ten minutes, we will go to bed, together. We always go to bed together. Our bed is our safe place, our place of peace. Going to bed together every night, together is something we look forward to and will always fight to protect. No matter what bullshit goes down during the day, and there is often a ton of it, we always go to bed together. Together we can get through this and live an amazing life. We know we have each other’s backs. We also know that our love is unmovable. There is no amount of chaos that can close in on us that affect how we feel about one another. We take great comfort in that strength. When we have days like this, I think of “our song”. Jack Johnson’s “I Got You”, and specifically these lines:

This weight’s too much alone
Some days I can’t hold it at all
You take it on for me
When tomorrow’s too much
I’ll carry it all
I Got You
And when tomorrow’s too much
I’ll carry it all
I Got You

We will find a way to win tomorrow too!

Parenting in a FAS World

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It’s been a long time since I posted about our life parenting two kids with FAS and one with severe trauma. Honestly, I was simply wore out. I didn’t have the energy to write about it or even think too much about it. The day to day grind of it all was more than enough. Certainly, COVID didn’t help. It was absolutely exhausting.

It’s exhausting in so many ways, often times in ways that can be very hard to put words to. Some of the exhaustion is how few people can actually relate to what it is like to try to navigate parenting in this extreme environment. I don’t blame them, it’s very difficult to understand or relate if you haven’t experienced the things someone else has experienced. I don’t know anyone that has a child that is a flight risk at all times (many times for reasons that aren’t obvious), or a child that has made numerous death threats to other family members (how do you process that?), or a child that may simply prefer not to be part of this family.

The other challenging part we face is it isn’t easy to receive help. That may not make sense to most people that read this. We can’t simply get a babysitter for an hour or two. Often, we can’t even have family help us unless the situation is just right. We are so appreciative of all the help we do get, but the amount of effort that goes into planning and communicating is overwhelming. Not to mention watching and waiting for the text message or phone call to come that asks us to get home because something is up. I totally get why it is hard to understand why the stars must be aligned for things to go well. I know it’s also hard to understand why the kids don’t always enjoy normal kid activities and many times if things aren’t perfect or something changes unexpectedly things get off the rails immediately. I feel bad about this for those that help us. It probably doesn’t feel good and I’m sure is confusing.

I’m not a musical person, but I love music. That’s not totally accurate, I love lyrics. I’m sure I’m not alone in loving lyrics I can relate to. Lyrics that help to make sense of life and help you hold on to some hope that you are not alone in whatever you are feeling. I heard a song the other day that I’ve listened to hundreds of times before. But on this day, it spoke to me in a different way. I felt as if it was speaking about all the things my wife and I feel raising our three adopted, brain damaged, and traumatized kids.

I’ve loved the Counting Crows for what must be 25 years now. I love the lyrics that make up their songs. The song that spoke to me the other day is called “Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby”. The song is like one big metaphor for the life we as parents live with these challenging kids. I bet it will ring true for those in a similar situation and hopefully will help shed light on what it is like to raise challenging kids for everyone else.

“Well, I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame. I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame”.

This parenting life is a tightrope. One that I have not walked in any other part of my life. You end up humbled most days by just how little you know. How important the brain is and how so much of who we are develops before we can even talk. Sadly, there is no fortune and fame to be found in this life. All there are is small wins that most wouldn’t recognize as wins at all. These tiny wins are so hard to hold onto. Many days feel like we are doing something extremely dangerous, we are holding on for dear life, and there is no safety net. You can’t train for this experience.

“If you’ve never stared off in the distance, then your life is a shame
And though I’ll never forget your face,
sometimes I can’t remember my name”.

Personally, I have to be very careful not to stare off I to the distance. I can’t give too much thought to the reality of the situation, the near future, the long-term future, what could have been or what should have been. Those are dangerous thoughts. Sometimes when tough days stack up on one another it is hard to remember what normal is. Sometimes it can be hard to remember who I am without the stress in my life. The effort never stops.

“And there is always one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring; And the last one out of the circus has to lock up everything; Or the elephants will get out and forget to remember what you said“.

These lines sum of nicely how dialed in you have to be as a parent to these kids – at all times! If you let your guard down all hell is bound to break loose. Plan for the worst and pray for something better than that. Yes, you pray for it, you don’t expect something better because you will be let down. It takes a long time to break a parent of that hope. The hope that your child will make a better choice next time or the time after that. Those are hard realizations that I think most parents don’t have to experience. You can read about some of those experiences in my past posts (I’ll link them below). I could write several more blog posts about crazy things that have happened just since we moved into a new house several months ago. We’ve made a million mistakes and try our best to learn from them all.

Our new house has more space. We were in desperate need of more space. We needed bedrooms and we needed bathrooms. We needed more space! We were very fortunate to find a house and location that fits us very well. Nothing is perfect though and we found we still didn’t get it totally right. We ended up changing around bedrooms once already to keep the peace. Every time we think we have something figured out we are brought back to reality very quickly. I think sometimes we think age (11, almost 11 and 9) will make things easier. It doesn’t. And unfortunately, I think it will continue to make it harder.

Speaking of locking the doors, we lock everything. We have locked all kinds of things. Doors, cabinets, our freezer and on and on. We lock up cabinets that we keep food in. We lock up access to certain bedrooms, my office and the basement. The basement is an important one because if we don’t thing go missing really fast and you are bound to find a kid down there watching TV all night. There isn’t much in our house that doesn’t require a password. Sometimes it can feel like a prison, but it keeps things under control and is an easy trade off considering what the alternative looks like.

All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep
Hey I can bleed as well as anyone, but I need someone to help me sleep.

I’m all over the place on the lines above. Those razor perceptions or judgements that go along with raising any kids, but especially challenging kids is an interesting space to live in. My personality generally lends itself to not caring about anyone’s opinions. Sometimes though it gets to me and I want to sit people down and explain everything we live with. Give me several hours to bend your ear before suggesting things seem to be getting better or we should try this or that. I understand that comments and suggestions are well intended, but they miss the mark every single time.

“So I throw my hand into the air and it swims in the beams; It’s just a brief interruption of the swirling dust sparkle jet stream; Well, I know I don’t know you and you’re probably not what you seem”.

We carry sadness of realizing we will never really know who our kids were supposed to be. They were taken from us before they were born, never to return. We will do everything we can to help them live their best lives, but these lives aren’t what they should have been. They shouldn’t be this hard. They deserved better.

“When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor; And orders another. well, I wonder what he did that for“.

I think my wife and I feel these lines most often. The “is this real” moment. These lines represent the uncertainty we live with every day. The 0-100 escalations in a blink of an eye. The unusual and unpredictable behavior. The stories we could tell. The sadness we’ve felt. It can be a lot.

That’s when I know that I have to get out cause; I have been there before”.

These two lines are exactly who my wife and I are not. We won’t get out, we don’t want to get out, but we most certainly have been here many times before and will be here many times again. We will continue to show up. We will continue to mess this up. We will pick ourselves up. There is no other way. We will be better than yesterday!

You can see a million miles tonight
But you can’t get very far

These two lines are really sad. I think parents with challenging kids face these thoughts. Knowing the whole world is out there to explore, but you can’t leave the house (sometimes even for simple things). Knowing what they will never be able to do or experience. Knowing you will never have that full relationship with them. It’s especially hard when you have neurotypical kids and you see all the promise, the complete lack of any limitations on them.

You can never escape, you can only move south down the coast

I went through the song as it was written, except for the line above. This line is near the beginning, but I want to use it to close. It explains very well what really good parents of these challenging kids do. Good parents are those that try, those that do not give up even with the odds are against you. They are the ones that realize that they have to move with their kids. They realize they need to meet them where they are today and that tomorrow they probably aren’t in that same place. It’s not easy, sometimes they are hard to find. Sometimes they don’t want to be found. There are many potholes, traffic jams and accidents along the way, but you keep moving. You have to find what works and more importantly in this world find what doesn’t. You have to accommodate as best you can, but more than anything you have to keep moving. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway?

https://yougotnocontrol.com/2020/01/26/this-is-fas-part-ii/

https://yougotnocontrol.com/2020/02/02/this-is-fas/

https://yougotnocontrol.com/2020/02/11/fas-the-chase/

3 Pillars

This post has been on my mind for a couple years now. It looked a lot different back then compared to what I am about to write.

UBU (You Be You) was an idea that my oldest daughter and I came up with several years ago. It was born from her desire to help people feel confident in being themselves and my desire to encourage her to never stop being the fiercely independent girl (young woman now I guess 😢) that she is. I never want her to lose the free spirit she has in her. UBU would come up from time to time in passing, but really not much more than her asking me when will we do something with this idea. Can we put it on a shirt or do something “cool” like that? Nothing much happened until a couple months ago when I found this really cool local small business that prints designs on all kinds of products. They do it inexpensively and without having to order dozens of products to make it worth you while. I surprised my daughter with a UBU hat recently. It’s “real” now! Kidding aside, although small and insignificant, it was kind of cool to see our idea on a product.

UBU has really taken on a life of it’s own in my mind. A confluence of thoughts banging around in my head have brought it into focus. It’s also expanded rapidly and grew into something much more. Let me explain what is going on in my head.

First, the very clear racial divide our nation faces was brought center stage by the recent killings of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Rayshard Brooks. These deaths and all the other information coming out about how difficult it is to live in this country if your skin isn’t white is overwhelming. It also took our simple idea of UBU and turned it on it’s head. For some, UBU is simply not possible, not without the threat of violence and death on your mind. Story after story about black people not feeling comfortable going for a run or taking a walk in their neighborhood sadden me. Reading a story about a black man that purposely doesn’t walk in his own neighborhood without his daughter because if she is by his side then he is “ok” was sickening. So much for UBU.

It is hard to comprehend that in this country, in 2020, we have large groups of people that are disadvantaged because of the color of their skin. It embarrasses me and I feel ashamed. Obviously this is a very complex topic and I am doing my best to work through as much information as I can. I want to figure out how best I can help to change this crisis our country faces. For now, I will read and I will listen.

While our country is playing chicken with what feels like a race war, we’ve had challenges inside our own home with our three adopted kids. I’ve written about them before. I’ve written about the immense challenges they face and the challenges we face trying to parent them. I won’t repeat those stories, but can say I am certain there is nothing harder I will ever do in my life than try to navigate this very complex world of fetal alcohol syndrome and significant trauma. Fortunately, I haven’t had any stories like my daughter yelling “stranger danger” as I try to get her back in our car recently. Unfortunately, what I am about to write is really much more difficult.

I’ve come to the realization that I have to be a much better dad to my adopted kids, to my brain damaged adopted kids. These kids have damaged brains because of what they were exposed to before and after they were born. We won’t ever fully understand the extent of the damage, but we are starting to see some of it play out as we watch our two little biological girls grow and develop very quickly on one end of the age spectrum and my two older biological kids thrive at the other end of the age spectrum.

These kids can be really, really hard sometimes or maybe most of the time. Their behaviors are extremely challenging and very difficult to understand. We go out of our way to make accommodations and do what we can to keep the peace for as many minutes of the day as possible. These accommodations help, but they can’t fix the damage that was done.

They are good kids though. I know their behaviors are not intentional. Unfortunately that doesn’t always stick in my head as the daily grind gets the better of me. As time has gone on and they have gotten older, it is becoming clear they are lagging behind their peers as it relates to school and play. This hasn’t been easy for me to adjust to. I’ve been very fortunate. My older biological kids are “easy”. They do very well at most things. I’m able to push them and challenge them to be better because I know they understand why I’m doing it and I know what they are capable of. I can already see it in my 2.5-year-old too. I haven’t adjusted to the fact that our soon to be 11-year-olds’ play similar to my 2.5-year-old. It’s even harder for me to comprehend that my almost 9-year-old’s play hasn’t evolved in the entire time I’ve known him (5+ years). His play consists of banging two legos or blocks together for hours on end, using very few words. My favorite (sarcasm) is at about 8PM every night he begins pounding on the floor directly about our living room for hours. It can be a lot.

So where does UBU fit in? I realized these kids can’t be themselves without feeling judged either. Judged by strangers, judged by their peers, and although it’s painful to say, judged by me. It may not be verbal, but I know I do it. I know my facial expressions tell them I am trying to figure out why they are acting a certain way when I should simply be ok with who they are and where they are today.

As I continue to look inward in 2020, I realize our UBU idea is a very good one. It is a meaningful one, even if I am the only one that gets something from it. UBU should be practiced and said throughout the day. It is my mantra, I say it often now. Instead of cracking that innocent joke when we see a guy driving by himself in a car with a mask on, I smile and say UBU to myself and my kids. This change in how I think has been a positive one for me. The innocent jokes were never meant to hurt or harm anyone, but I think they were harming my mind. The bottom line is if you aren’t hurting anyone, including yourself, then UBU – always!

As time has gone on something else was taking shape too. The guiding principles I want to live my life by were becoming clear. UBU took me to what I call my 3 Pillars. The name is not creative and I spent no time coming up with it, but regardless let me lay it out for you.

The 3 Pillars help guide me towards living my very best life. They are Accountability, Courage, and Effort (A.C.E). These pillars are surrounded by the Koru. The Koru is a spiral shape based on the appearance of a new unfurling silver fern frond. It symbolizes new life, growth, strength and peace.

Let me define each of the pillars.

Accountability is defined as “answerable for actions or decisions”. As it relates to my life, I break it down further into what I am fully responsible for:

Everything I do and say
My relationships
The roles I’ve chosen to take on

Courage is defined as “the ability to do something that frightens oneself”. This means two very important things to me:

Courage to live your authentic life, free of concern of the crowd – I am not a sheep
Courage to evolve based on constantly learning and questioning my thoughts, opinions, and actions

Effort is defined as “a vigorous or determined attempt”. This one seems like it is the easiest, but I think in today’s world it may be the most difficult.

I will show up and I will do something
I will make forward progress, without concern for how much or how little I gain each day

As I explained above, the Koru is a symbol for new life, growth, strength, and peace. I think the Koru is a perfect symbol for how I choose to live my life. I will continuously grow. It won’t be easy and it will take time, but I will continue to grow.

How will I apply what I wrote above? As it relates to the world and specifically the injustices the black community continues to face, I’ll listen. I’ll do my very best to understand. I’ll take what I hear and will find a way to make a positive impact. Maybe that is as simple as educating my kids or maybe there is a larger role for me to play. Regardless I’ll put in the effort necessary to make a difference.

As it relates to my family, I will find a way to meet the very unique needs of my adopted kids. I’ll meet them where they are without judgment. I’ll support all of my kids in whatever way is best for each of them. And when I screw it up, I will try again.

We are living through unprecedented times in our country’s history. Perhaps this is the moment my generation will have that goes down in history. When I look back or talk to my grand kids about this time I want to do so proudly. I want to be able to say I showed up and I tried. I was courageous because I asked myself the hard questions and was willing to answer them honestly. I put away my preconceived notions about many things and began to look at things through the lens of those living it. I want my kids to know I was strong enough to evolve and get better every day.

Father’s day is several days away and on my mind. When my kids think about me, I want them to remember me as someone that always showed up. I want them to remember their dad was far from perfect, but never ever stopped trying to be better. I want them to know I was willing to challenge everything and everyone on my quest to live an authentic life. I want them to know their dad was not a sheep. More than anything though, I want them to know that regardless of what was going on at the time, their dad always had their back and always loved them!

Why do I write this? I write it for my kids. I want them to be able to look back when they are adults, parents, employees/employers and know it’s ok not to have the world figured out. That things can be hard or they can be easy. That ultimately if you have your heart in the right place everything will work out.

#fitlife #fitness #fitnessmotivation #chooseeffort #ivegot2more #accountability #noexcuses #betterthanyesterday #endure #grind #7kids #fetalalcoholsyndrome #blendedfamily #trauma #ubu #coronavirus #opportunity #perspective # lifeskills #responsibility #budgeting # hardwork #sacrifice #portioncontrol #fairness #selfsufficient #covid19 #courage #effort #koru

Perspective is Everything

I hope what we are living through ends up being a world that will never be the same.

This virus has brought the world to its knees on all fronts. There are deaths. Containment of the virus doesn’t seem likely in the near term. Limits put on our movements are growing by the day – a full quarantine or even stricter measures seem inevitable at this point. Governments around the world don’t seem to know how to react (I know there is a joke to be inserted here). Markets have plummeted. Grocery stores are being overrun with scared customers, some making selfish and irrational decisions. We all find ourselves living in a foreign world, one we didn’t see coming.

In times of chaos, perspective is vital. Take stock of your current state. Are your loved ones safe? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have clothes on your back and shoes on your feet? Did you eat a warm meal today (or two or three)? Did you have a hot shower today? Most of us can answer yes to that and if you can then you have nothing at all to complain about.

No doubt the last couple weeks have been brutal and extremely confusing. It will likely get worse before it gets better. It is really important that we keep in mind the severity of the situation is different for everyone. We need to respect and understand this fact. For many, “challenges” have only come in the form of loss, loss on conveniences, loss of entertainment options and all the other distractions we take for granted. The fact we can’t get exactly what we want when we want it is truly a first world problem.

The stress and challenges are much more significant for those that have compromised immune systems. Worrying about being close to any other human at this point seems like it would be very stressful. I think and worry about the single mother and her child. She has to figure out how to work (assuming her employer is open for business) while having her child home due to schools being shut down for an extended period of time. I think about those people nearing retirement age that have lost a significant percentage of their retirement savings. The scariest part today for most is the fact we really don’t know what will happen in the coming months. The impact on this virus has been and will continue to be far and wide. Everyone will be touched by it in some way.

Regardless, we will be ok. We will eat. We will have clothes to wear. The markets will rebound. There is a really good chance what we do and how we do it will be different – and it may be different for a long time. We will adapt. We will evolve. That is what this country does. We will rise to the occasion in the face of this virus and all the fallout it will cause.

The other point of clarity I think we need to maintain is the fact we have not been to asked to sacrifice in any meaningful way so far. Staying at home is not a sacrifice. Generations before mine were asked or told to make real sacrifices. Sacrifices that had nothing to do with not being able to go to your favorite restaurant or the movies. We need to remember that. We need to maintain perspective and push through this with common sense and level heads. We need to help our neighbor in whatever capacity we can and keep moving forward. Eventually this will pass and we will get to look back at how we handled this crisis and feel proud!

A couple quotes that came to mind in the midst of the chaos of the last 24 hours or so:

FAS – The Chase

Two of our children have fetal alcohol syndrome (it’s possible the third adopted child does as well). Having FAS is life changing. Living with someone that has FAS is life changing. These kids never had a chance at a normal life and will never experience most things you dream about for your kids.

Lately I have had these lines by Eminem in my head, “Have you ever been protested and demonstrated against? I have, I’ve been protested and demonstrated against.”

They have been rattling around my brain as we have gone through some craziness with our FAS daughter. Let me try to bring you into my world.

“Have you ever chased your child through the neighborhood as she attempts to runaway? I have, I’ve chased my daughter through the neighborhood as she attempts to runaway.”

“Have you had to physically restrain your daughter so she doesn’t harm herself, others, or your house? I have, I’ve had to physically restrain my daughter so she doesn’t harm herself, others, or my house.”

“Have you had your hands bit (and I mean chomped on) by your daughter as you try to protect her from harming herself? I have, I’ve been bitten by my daughter as I try to protect her from herself.”

“Have you ever had to pull your daughter back through a second story window as she threatens to jump? I have, I’ve had to pull my daughter back through a second story window as she threatens to jump.”

The first three happened yesterday. I guess I threw in the fourth for good measure.

It went down around 5:30 PM. I’m sure many are thinking there had to be things you could have done before it got to the point of restraining. My wife and I would give anything if that were true in this situation. I’m not sure there is anything we hate more than this.

We know with our daughter once she crosses a certain point there is no going back. There is also no successful negotiating. Incentives don’t work. Threats don’t work. Nothing works.

Can you imagine your child going up to a stranger’s door and telling these unsuspecting people she wants to live with them instead of you? I can, that happened yesterday too.

Back to the chase. My wife drove down the street of our neighborhood and quickly spotted our daughter. As always she was optimistic. Even on this dreary winter day she saw nothing but rainbows. She thought she could deescalate the situation. I don’t think she really thought that, but she puts on a good front and I had a brutal day at work. She was trying to ease my load – we really are a great team. She made all the standard passive and loving attempts to get things under control with no success. Similar to our son, when things get really crazy we are willing to give anything to get the situation under control. It never works though. Ultimately all this talking led to my daughter running further from home. At this point our daughter can’t really be contained in an open area by my wife. If she wanted to keep running that was what was going to happen.

I, being the realist in the relationship figured this was going to continue to escalate and sure enough I got the call from my wife. As I drove up, our daughter took off. She made it into a different neighborhood. This neighborhood connects to our via sidewalk. The chase was now on foot.

At this point we have no hope left. It’s clear nothing is going to work (nothing ever works, but we always try). My job changes. Instead of negotiator, I play the part of arresting officer. I have to get her back to the car by any means necessary and ideally without anyone in this neighborhood calling the police.

Let’s be honest, an adult white male, carrying a thrashing 10 year old black girl doesn’t look great.

Let me reset the stage. My wife and I are on foot. We have two vehicles in the general area. I have a thrashing ten year old in my arms. If anyone was witnessing this there is no other conclusion one can come to other than this is a kidnapping.

I decide our monster van (Bertha) would be best given there is more space and this short car ride home wasn’t going to be easy. My wife quickly unlocks the side door and rips it open. I manhandle my daughter into the car while she is screaming “Stranger Danger” (what the hell does that even mean? this can’t be the best thing we come up with for kids to scream if they are in trouble). My wife quickly slides the door shut and we drive away. Like any good van the windows are tinted, so no one knows what is going on inside – it wasn’t pretty, but we were in the van. I’ve played this game before, it’s almost over.

We get home, success! Not time to celebrate just yet. The inevitable battle of wills/wrestling match is ready to commence. This can go on for an hour if we are unlucky. Luckily today it only lasted five to ten minutes.

Now the sadness kicks in. No she isn’t feeling sad, we are. When she breaks she really breaks. It’s not gradual, it’s immediate like a glass shattering. The best way I can describe what happens now is uncontrollable ugly crying.

I have no idea what she is thinking in these moments. There is no apology. There is no more anger, but there is also no remorse. I have to think she is realizing, again, that her brain is not normal and she is trying to process what is going on. It is so sad!

I don’t think the breaking is the worst part though. The worst part and what scares me to death is how often she doesn’t really have an explanation for what triggered this extreme reaction. It just happens and then there is no going back.

Obviously this isn’t the first time and certainly won’t be the last time we face something like this. Luckily my wife and I know what to do when it happens to keep everyone safe. We are hopeful though because it does seem like the amount of time in between each episode is growing.

#fetalalcoholsyndrome #ivegot2more #7kids #endure #grind #accountability #noexcuses #blendedfamily

You Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup

This phrase seems to be really popular right now. It makes sense. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of others. Taking care of yourself is great advice we should all try to follow.

As I thought about it, I wondered if it really was something that applied to life. Something about it didn’t makes sense to me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Eventually it came to me, I didn’t like the empty cup part. Having an empty cup implies you have nothing to give. For most people I think that is rarely the case. Let me explain how I think this phrase can be modified and then applied.

I think of our cup as full of milk. If you are doing a good job taking care of yourself then you have fresh milk in your cup. You can share that fresh milk with others. You are in a great position to positively impact those around you. You are able to give your very best to your spouse, kids, friends and everyone else you come in contact with.

What if we don’t take care of ourselves? This is where the empty cup idea doesn’t work for me. No, I think the better metaphor is we end up with a cup of spoiled milk. That spoiled milk makes you sick and can contaminate others too.

I say we have a cup of spoiled milk, instead of an empty cup because most of us try and continue to give regardless of how we feel. This is certainly true for me. There isn’t much that can negatively impact the volume of what I am capable of giving to my family, work, etc.

The change from fresh milk to spoiled milk is something we have to see and own. What does it look like and what does it feel like when we don’t take care of ourselves?

When our milk is spoiled it generally shows itself as irritability, lack of patience, lack of quality effort, not being fully present, and a million other ways. All ways that have a negative impact on you and those around you.

Don’t get me wrong, I think you can have an empty cup. That is a very serious situation though and doesn’t apply to what I’m trying to get at here.

I think we’ve all experienced spoiled milk at some point. That general irritation you feel about everything going on around you. The desperate need for a break, a vacation, a nap, a couple minutes of peace and quiet. I call this the reset.

It’s important to be self-aware and also listen to those around you. Reacting quickly when your cup is spoiled or turning is vital as it allows you to quickly course correct.

Many, including me, think we are great at hiding how we feel and continue on with our daily responsibilities. Believe me, those around you see it. They see you. You aren’t hiding. Put away the ego.

When you have spoiled milk it’s time to take a break. You need a reset. Resetting is a personal thing and different for everyone. Find what grounds you, what gives you that chance to connect with yourself again. This is the time to truly focus on you. It could take minutes, hours, or days. Regardless of how long it may take it’s worthwhile effort as it positively benefits you and those around you.

Take care of you, then take care of those around you!

#ivegot2more #accountability #endure #grind #7kids #fetalalcoholsyndrome #blendedfamily #noexcuses

Getting Started – My Life, the Short Version

I have been curious about blogging for some time now. Getting things that bounce around my head all day on “paper” seems beneficial – even if it’s just for my sanity.

I also think blogging, and social media generally, could be a nice add-on from a parenting perspective. Don’t misunderstand me, I think parenting should be face to face 99.9% of the time. But I think we should consider the impact that social media and technology has on all of us, especially our kids. It seems foolish not to take advantage of another way of potentially reaching our kids and young adults. Maybe there is an impact, maybe there isn’t – I don’t think it hurts to get in front of our children any way possible.

Ok – let’s begin with some context.

The serenity prayer hangs on the wall of my office. It hung in my wife’s grandmother’s home for many , many years. I think my wife knew the words in that frame would come to define how we live our lives and that I had to embrace them to find real happiness.

Living those words each day is my goal. More often than not I fail. I hate that I simply can’t flip a switch and live them each day, I am proud that regardless of what went on yesterday, I get up and try again. Let me give a little context about why those framed words resonate so much with me and our family.

My wife and I have seven (YES 7!) kids. Nothing about how we got here is normal. We didn’t set out to have a big family. We have a big family because we chose each other and never looked back. Let’s do the math on this:

I have two kids from a previous marriage. They are in high school and middle school. They are exceptional people. When I thought about being a parent I never dreamed it could be this good. I’m consistently proud of who they are as people. They are kind and amazing with our younger kids. Watching those relationships develop has been really rewarding. They make me think I’m not screwing it all up – and some days I need that feeling.

My wife adopted three kids while she was single (after we married I adopted them as well). They are all very close in age. Two are in elementary school. The other unfortunately can’t attend school at this time (we’ve tried many options at this point with no success). Two of the three are biological siblings and have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). Most people I know don’t know what FAS is (I certainly didn’t), so talking about it with others can be difficult. I find myself hesitating to answer questions about them because I feel like I need to give enough context to help it make sense for people. It’s been a major struggle for me. I’ll get into the reality of FAS in other posts because I do think those dealing with it or similar disabilities need as many people as possible to relate to. Raising kids with FAS is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The non-biological sibling doesn’t present with FAS signs, but based on the environment she came from, it isn’t out of the question. She has significant emotional trauma and attachment related issues. Honestly, with where we are today, it is hard to believe I’m typing this, but navigating how to raise her may be harder than the two with FAS.

I find myself feeling overwhelming sadness for them at times. I think it happens more now as they age and fall further and further behind peers. I think it’s also because lots of the emotional trauma they’ve experienced in the past is being processed by me with a slightly more mature mind.

They have a ton of issues and likely won’t lead anywhere near a “normal” life. My anger at that reality likely won’t ever end. They will live these lives simply because their biological parents made horrific decisions. These kids had no control, no choice in the matter. I see now after a lot of thought that their biological parents didn’t have a chance either – its a never ending cycle of bad decisions that have ramifications that last generations. I have very strong opinions on what can be done to solve some of these problems, but I’ll save that for another post.

All that said, they all have unique personalities, things they enjoy and things they can’t really tolerate. More than anything, they have a ton of good in them. It’s not always obvious and sometimes you really have to look hard, but it’s there.

Finally, my wife and I have two little girls. The older of the two is absolutely amazing. She is a fun, independent ball of energy. A day doesn’t go by when she doesn’t amaze me with the words she uses or what she is able to do on her own. Our littlest is just a baby and going through the phase where there are smiles and more awareness of her world – we can’t wait to see her personality develop.

That’s my immediate family. It’s fun. It’s almost always crazy. It really, really hard at times. I’m not sure it could be more complex – blended, adoption, biological, and disability – that’s a lot. And I guess something that never really comes up, but throw race in there too.

I think my wife and I are pretty damn good at it though. It’s not easy navigating all of it. The wide age gap in kids, the needs (including significant special needs), logistics, and just all the stuff that comes with a large family.

My wife and I define success based on the love in our home and the safety that each of our (7!) kids feels every day. I think we are succeeding. Regardless, I know we show up every day and try – that is really what life is about – you have to put in the effort.

We are showing them every day, through all the ups and downs what a family really is. I’m grateful to be able to witness all the wins and all the losses each day and know we are growing together.

Oh yeah, I also am an executive at a venture-backed start-up with headquarters in another state (which means I have to travel from time to time). More on that part of life later.

#accountability #ivegot2more #endure #grind #7kids #fetalalcoholsyndrome #blendedfamily #noexcuses