Contradictions

It’s December 23rd. Just two days until Christmas. The younger kids are all very excited. My wife and I are very excited to see Christmas through our 3-year-old’s eyes. She has been counting down the days and can’t wait for Santa to come. Excitement is just one of many feelings for my wife and I this time of the year. It’s safe to say that major holidays are one of the most complex times for us emotionally. Why?

If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you know our family is very complex. The feelings we carry for our children are also complex and can vary wildly. Like most parents we are damn good at hiding how we really feel in the moment for the greater good. We have a lot of experience. My last post had a situation that was a perfect example of that.

Child 2 (Age 11) dropped a large glass bowl because she didn’t want to eat. I mentioned we reacted perfectly. No big deal, it was just an accident. Don’t worry about it. That wasn’t really how either of us felt. For several months now we have been dealing with major issues with her. She’s run away on more than one occasion. Literally run away. The first time, my wife and I both were driving around our small town trying to find her. Once we got eyes on her she ran towards and alongside the river. I was able to chase her down eventually. That was a scary one. On the other occasion, I literally went Terry Crews and tackled her broadside off of her cousin’s bike in the street to prevent that chase from becoming something we would have lost. I’d like to avoid calling the police until we have lived her for at least one year. Then there is everything she has taken from us. Food, iPad, various other things you would never think an 11-year-old would want to mess with (Shampoo, Lotion, Bleach, yes Bleach). She has been completely exhausting.

We are gearing up to have some very uncomfortable conversations with Child 1 (Age 11) about how Christmas morning is going to go because we refuse to have her ruin it for us. We have to explain what acceptable behavior in detail. Please let our 3-year-old experience everything for herself. She doesn’t need help understanding what is going on. She doesn’t need to sit in your lap. She doesn’t need help opening her gifts. And oh yeah, we are her parents and can handle anything she needs. We have to tell her the same things about our 1-year-old just to be sure we cover all bases. This may seem insignificant on the surface, but think about having those kinds of conversations with your 11-year-old child. Now think about having those conversations with her on an almost daily basis. Now finally think about having those conversations and you have no idea if she understands you or is playing dumb. Her lack of social awareness and basic family dynamics is completely and utterly exhausting.

And we have Child 3 (Age 9). Last year he slept through Christmas. My wife was sad about that. I think it was sadder that when he did wake up, Christmas wasn’t really a thing. He opened his gifts (mainly candy) and moved on with his day. He asks for almost nothing – really just candy each year. It actually makes sense because he doesn’t play anymore. Hasn’t in a couple years. It feels weird though as parents to not buy your kid toys for Christmas. Based on his current schedule, it is likely he will celebrate Christmas morning with us this year. We will modify literally everything if he is around. We will tell our 3-year-old to wait on opening gifts to allow him to open all of his first because that is what has to happen. She won’t have a problem with this luckily. She is used to waiting because he has to go first. She is a special little girl. I don’t think he will cause any problems for us if we are prepared to let him have a shitload of candy. Believe me, we don’t care. We keep the peace at almost any cost. Mainly we know the fight doesn’t matter. If he gets locked in on something it is best to let it be. There is no lesson to be taught. It’s likely he won’t even remember the situation in several hours.

Our little one’s though, we cannot wait. To see the excitement in my 3-year-old’s eyes is something we can’t wait for. It’s a breath of fresh air to think about. We are also excited to know we will get to experience that first again in a year or two with our baby girl. I’m excited for Christmas with my older two as well. They don’t have the excitement of Christmas in their eyes like they used to, but I know they look forward to our traditions and that makes me very happy. They both bought gifts for everyone in the house on their own this year. I hate how old they are. They are good gift givers and I know they enjoy seeing the reaction on the faces of the kids as they open them. Mostly though, given their ages, I am thankful and happy for the time I have with them. I realize how short it is and how quickly it passes.

Around major holiday’s, my wife makes notes for herself to stay off social media. We both know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Seeming “normal” families doing “normal” things is painful, even if they are staged. I think it is mostly painful because as the months go by, “normal” things become harder and harder for us. Simply walking downtown to see Christmas lights must be timed perfect. Is Child 2 in an ok mood? Does Child 1 have an attitude? Is our nanny around to be there for Child 3? My wife’s tradition of doing Christmas cookies has also turned into a situation that takes a great deal of thought and effort. Make sure Child 2 doesn’t eat 10 cookies or steal anything (frosting, dough, sprinkles, etc.). Make sure you compliment Child 1 over and over again or she will get a major attitude, and everything will come crashing down. Pray that Child 3 sleeps through it.

Did you notice what I left out? Take another look. I didn’t mention the 1- and 3 year-olds. That’s because we don’t really think about them limiting us in any way. This isn’t really a surprise for me because of my oldest two, but sometimes it is hard to wrap my head around how little we worry about the two little ones compared to the middle three. We certainly get a laugh sometimes when we read about the challenges of having two little ones to parent. Everything is relative, isn’t it?

During the Christmas cookie making I overheard someone ask my wife, “is this what you dreamed of”? I am not sure she answered. If she did it was the blanket nod and smile, we are really good at in these situations. The answer is no, this is not what she or we dreamt of. We never dreamt it would all be so complex and difficult. We never thought it would require so much thought and so much effort every single day without fail. We didn’t think 11 and 9-year-olds would be constantly more difficult than a 3-year-old.

After my last post, a friend of mine (I have very strong opinions on how we use the word “friend”. I won’t allow myself to use it in this case. The right word is acquaintance. This is the right word because I am really, really shitty at staying in touch with friends after our paths don’t cross naturally. It’s the right word to use and it’s the right thing to do. Maybe this should be a blog post topic in 2021.) dm’ed me some kind words. He said, “there is a special place in heaven for you and your wife”. He is certainly right about my wife; I have no doubt about that.

Ultimately his message got me thinking that I need to write a blog post to explain why I write these types of posts. Let me take care of that right now. I write because I know there are other parents out there going through similar things. Other parents with children with special needs. Parents and kids in very difficult situations due to divorce or separation. Parents and kids in very difficult situations due to lack of resources. We all have our shit to deal with. We all face complicated feelings and contradictions deep within us that oftentimes leave us feeling like shit. I have no answers. I can offer a little comfort though. Comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in those feelings and contradictions.

Find that win!

Parenting Disability

It was supposed to be peaceful Saturday. Almost Christmas. Not much left to do thanks to my amazing wife. We looked forward to a simple day. Time together, hanging out on the couch. A welcome and rare thing for us. That’s part of the deal when you have seven kids, not much downtime typically. We also looked forward to the Notre Dame football game that was set to begin at 4. We all look forward to the tradition or routine a football game brings to the day. I think we both love how excited our 3-year-old gets too. A little normalcy in a crazy life and crazy year.

Reality set in around noon. The crash of a large Pyrex bowl shattering as it hits the floor brings us back to reality. If something bad and unusual is going to happen, it is almost always going to involve the younger of the two 11-year-olds. Let’s call her Child 2. Glass was everywhere. We reacted perfectly. No big deal just an accident. I won’t let this “accident” mess up the day.

My wife and I go into cleanup mode. We are experts and a sight to behold. Get the little ones. Sweep it. Vacuum it. All set in a matter of minutes. We are incredibly efficient. We are very experienced. We will keep the peace. We will ignore the fact the bowl dropped because Child 2 was pissed we asked her to eat lunch. We have to encourage her to eat because she continues to lose weight. That’s over, all is good.

About 15 minutes later we must intervene between Child 2 and the other 11-year-old. Let’s call her Child 1. Child 2 has gotten her feelings hurt, again. Child 1 does this deliberately and far too often. We need to address this. Child 2 needs to know we have her back. It’s really hard to talk to Child 1 about these things though due to her trauma and maybe FAS. It tends to be very frustrating and we are unsure if she understands the pain she causes. It’s very difficult to know how to parent her. What words to use. What is the right amount of force and disappointment? How much follow-up reassurance is needed? Will this ever get easier? Will she ever feel like our child?

We made it through. It’s hard and stressful, but that is really relative. This is typical for our life, so we know how to grind through very difficult situations. We are still primed for a relaxing afternoon. Take a deep breath and move on.

Yes. We made it. 4pm. Game time. Bonus, the 1-year-old is down for a nap. Our 3-year-old is ready for the game. This does feel like a nice break from the day-to-day grind.

We are into the second quarter. The game isn’t going well for our team. I don’t really care. One of the few areas I’ve matured in over the years.

The doorbell rings. Ok no big deal. Probably the neighbor kids. Nope. Child 1 and Child 2 are screaming from the front door, IT’S THE NEIGHBORS. (Our neighbors are a great couple. They are a little older than us, their kids are long out of the house by now.). The screaming at the front door is a little embarrassing, but very much expected at this point.

I get up to answer the door. My wife is getting the 1-year-old up from her nap. Our neighbors are very nice. We aren’t close, but they have seen us outside many times this summer and we have talked on a number of occasions. They know we have a big family, and we have big challenges. They don’t understand the depth of the challenges, but they are aware of the issues. How thoughtful. They stopped by to bring us a Christmas card and homemade cinnamon rolls.

We are chatting in the doorway. It’s a little odd that both Child 1 and Child 2 are standing on our stairs inside the doorway while the adults talk. It’s not really surprising and I’ve learned it’s better to ignore than to say anything. All is going well.

We show our neighbors around the house a little. We have made a number of changes they were curious to see as they know the house well. Within 5 minutes of our neighbors coming in, our 9-year-old makes an appearance. Let’s call him Child 3.

When Child 3 makes an appearance, with company around or not, sirens go off around the house (not literally). We immediately move to DEFCON 3, maybe 4. With company of any kind, family, neighbors, or neighbor kids, we go directly to DEFCON 5. My wife and I seem to have developed hypersensitive sensors in our brains that help us navigate when he is around. The only question we have now is how crazy will this get? There is no hope for a reasonably normal interaction. There is nothing left to do but pray – pray no one gets hurt and we aren’t too embarrassed when all is said and done. It’s kind of like watching a funny (or sad) tv show and we are the stars. Buckle up!

He’s clearly ramped. The standard 0-100 mph is less than a second. My wife and the neighbor lady are in the dining room, while the neighbor guy and myself are in the living room. In just a couple minutes he gets his hands on a spray bottle. He sprays everyone in sight. Luckily, he misses the neighbor lady. I’m still in the living room listening intently while still trying to appear engaged in our conversation. I’m waiting for my wife’s call to intervene. Wait, what is that noise?

Why the hell is someone emptying ice cube trays right now? This was clearly not a visit where a drink needed to be offered to our guest. Immediately my mind runs through the standard scenarios. Who could be doing this at such an inappropriate time and within a couple feet of where my wife and neighbor are standing? Child 3 is not capable of emptying the ice cube trays. It’s only Child 1 that would do something like this. Why would she be doing it now? It’s actually very simple. Anything new is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. She can’t miss a minute. Four adults shooting the shit is amazing.

Child 3 has moved to eating. At his last psych visit, I heard a new term – hunger aggression. Why wouldn’t he have that too. He gets an apple sauce. He’s a gentlemen’s so he offers one to our 1-year- old and one to the neighbor lady as well. She politely declines.

The apple sauce goes down smooth, just like that shot of whiskey I desperately want to dull this pain. I work my way into the dining room area to try to better monitor the situation. I’m just in time to hear him tell our neighbors how he doesn’t sleep at night and sneaks down and steals things. Both comments are accurate, so how can I be mad?

Now he’s found a large red bouncy ball (thanks grandpa for winning that damn thing). He is running around the dining room table like a maniac. The sounds coming out of him are unworldly. The chaos is reaching a tipping point it seems. Luckily Child 3 disappears. Where did he go? I’m not sure, but we are moving in the right direction.

Child 1 is now summoning me from upstairs. She tells me Child 3 is using the spray bottle to spray the walls upstairs. I apologize to the neighbors and excuse myself. I don’t think they understand this apology. This one is meant to be a blank check. I’m sorry for everything that has happened and everything that is about to happen. It’s also a signal for them to leave.

The most poignant moment happened around this time. The neighbors were telling us they were headed to their friend’s house after this visit. My wife instinctively turns to me and says, “wouldn’t it be nice if we could have friends?”. I instinctively respond with a yeah, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. We can see this statement catches the neighbors off guard. My wife immediately begins to explain our situation in a little more detail, so they can better understand why she would say such a thing. We like when people have some understanding of how the disabilities our children face feel like they turn our home into a prison. The locks on every door and most cabinets help to hammer home the point.

We rarely say things like this out loud. It catches us both off guard later in the night. It’s a brutal truth we choose to not speak into the world most of the time. We generally keep those thoughts private. Locked down between her and I. More than anything I think it’s a survival technique that we have mastered.

I head upstairs to deal with Child 3. I’ve learned over the years that trying to take the spray bottle away immediately would be a catastrophic mistake. We distract and pray. Communicating with him sometimes requires a special language and always require insane amounts of patience. I’m lucky tonight. I get the spray bottle away from him after lots of communication about random apps he likes. Most important he is not mad. Everything is ok. I head back down and try to pretend I’m a normal adult.

I find the group in the basement chatting. This seems good. Normal. Just the two little ones and the adults. Totally normal. We are shooting the shit about plowing the driveway. Will I do it myself? Hire someone? Hey who mows your yard? This I what normal adults do right? Just then Child 2 sprints down the stairs to tell me Child 3 is threatening to throw his iPad (most prized possession) and himself over the upstairs railing. It is unclear what order he was planning on. I very quickly apologize again, for everything, and run back upstairs to what feels like my second full-time job.

He quickly informs me he does not want his iPad anymore. I remind him we played this game several days ago. He didn’t want the iPad and within minutes he came out asking for it again. His brain is so messed up, it’s painful to watch. Reason never works, so I am forced to take the iPad with me.

I’m not dumb though and I do not want him back downstairs. I stand outside of his door with the iPad and tell myself to give him five minutes. If he doesn’t come out, I will head back down. In less than two minutes he pops out asking for the iPad. I hand it over and say one more prayer – please don’t come out of your room again. His brain should be studied. Will this nightmare just end?

I head back downstairs and realize the neighbors are gone. Thank God! Emotions now are allowed to be felt. Our heads are spinning. Our two neighbors coming over to say Merry Christmas turn our house into total chaos – immediately! They were here for maybe 15 minutes, but it felt like hours. Each of the adopted kids put their disabilities on full display in a very short amount of time. It is really hard to see and believe. I promise it is much harder to live with each day (for them and us).

My wife and I decompress after the kids are in bed. We deal with the stress and sadness. We are reminded of many things. This is why we rarely leave the house. This is why there is stress around every interaction with people. This is why we have few friends that “know” us and certainly none that come to the house. We are reminded why we have so many rules and so much structure. It’s also a reminder why we fight like hell to keep the peace. It’s also a reminder that every time we let our guard down, we are disappointed.

I feel all kinds of emotions tonight. I feel anger and lots of it. I’m not ashamed of this anger. I feel sadness. Sadness for how limited our lives have become. Sadness that having people over and leaving the house is something I don’t look forward to. Sadness that literally anything outside of our very restricted normal will fuck up the day in a major way.

I’m also sad that these kids struggle in the most normal of situations. It’s hard to see their future and have anything but anxiety and fear. There is not much they won’t struggle with every day for the rest of their lives. This reality always is starring us in the face. We are pretty good at ignoring it most of the time.

I feel stress. I feel exhausted. I’m tired of having to be on all the time. There are no breaks from this kind of parenting.

I’m committed to finding my win though. There are always wins. Today it’s actually easy to find those wins. I spent quality time with my wife and little ones and that is always amazing. I put my 3-year-old to bed tonight, which was such a sweet experience. I will miss them when I get older. I chose to get a little cardio in as well, which is always something good for me mentally.

As I type, my wife is snuggled up to me on the couch sleeping soundly. Days like today take a major toll on us. Sleep helps! We both enjoy the peace of her falling asleep on me on our couch. I know we will be ready to attack another day tomorrow. I also know it won’t be easy. In about ten minutes, we will go to bed, together. We always go to bed together. Our bed is our safe place, our place of peace. Going to bed together every night, together is something we look forward to and will always fight to protect. No matter what bullshit goes down during the day, and there is often a ton of it, we always go to bed together. Together we can get through this and live an amazing life. We know we have each other’s backs. We also know that our love is unmovable. There is no amount of chaos that can close in on us that affect how we feel about one another. We take great comfort in that strength. When we have days like this, I think of “our song”. Jack Johnson’s “I Got You”, and specifically these lines:

This weight’s too much alone
Some days I can’t hold it at all
You take it on for me
When tomorrow’s too much
I’ll carry it all
I Got You
And when tomorrow’s too much
I’ll carry it all
I Got You

We will find a way to win tomorrow too!

Parenting in a FAS World

Featured

It’s been a long time since I posted about our life parenting two kids with FAS and one with severe trauma. Honestly, I was simply wore out. I didn’t have the energy to write about it or even think too much about it. The day to day grind of it all was more than enough. Certainly, COVID didn’t help. It was absolutely exhausting.

It’s exhausting in so many ways, often times in ways that can be very hard to put words to. Some of the exhaustion is how few people can actually relate to what it is like to try to navigate parenting in this extreme environment. I don’t blame them, it’s very difficult to understand or relate if you haven’t experienced the things someone else has experienced. I don’t know anyone that has a child that is a flight risk at all times (many times for reasons that aren’t obvious), or a child that has made numerous death threats to other family members (how do you process that?), or a child that may simply prefer not to be part of this family.

The other challenging part we face is it isn’t easy to receive help. That may not make sense to most people that read this. We can’t simply get a babysitter for an hour or two. Often, we can’t even have family help us unless the situation is just right. We are so appreciative of all the help we do get, but the amount of effort that goes into planning and communicating is overwhelming. Not to mention watching and waiting for the text message or phone call to come that asks us to get home because something is up. I totally get why it is hard to understand why the stars must be aligned for things to go well. I know it’s also hard to understand why the kids don’t always enjoy normal kid activities and many times if things aren’t perfect or something changes unexpectedly things get off the rails immediately. I feel bad about this for those that help us. It probably doesn’t feel good and I’m sure is confusing.

I’m not a musical person, but I love music. That’s not totally accurate, I love lyrics. I’m sure I’m not alone in loving lyrics I can relate to. Lyrics that help to make sense of life and help you hold on to some hope that you are not alone in whatever you are feeling. I heard a song the other day that I’ve listened to hundreds of times before. But on this day, it spoke to me in a different way. I felt as if it was speaking about all the things my wife and I feel raising our three adopted, brain damaged, and traumatized kids.

I’ve loved the Counting Crows for what must be 25 years now. I love the lyrics that make up their songs. The song that spoke to me the other day is called “Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby”. The song is like one big metaphor for the life we as parents live with these challenging kids. I bet it will ring true for those in a similar situation and hopefully will help shed light on what it is like to raise challenging kids for everyone else.

“Well, I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame. I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame”.

This parenting life is a tightrope. One that I have not walked in any other part of my life. You end up humbled most days by just how little you know. How important the brain is and how so much of who we are develops before we can even talk. Sadly, there is no fortune and fame to be found in this life. All there are is small wins that most wouldn’t recognize as wins at all. These tiny wins are so hard to hold onto. Many days feel like we are doing something extremely dangerous, we are holding on for dear life, and there is no safety net. You can’t train for this experience.

“If you’ve never stared off in the distance, then your life is a shame
And though I’ll never forget your face,
sometimes I can’t remember my name”.

Personally, I have to be very careful not to stare off I to the distance. I can’t give too much thought to the reality of the situation, the near future, the long-term future, what could have been or what should have been. Those are dangerous thoughts. Sometimes when tough days stack up on one another it is hard to remember what normal is. Sometimes it can be hard to remember who I am without the stress in my life. The effort never stops.

“And there is always one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring; And the last one out of the circus has to lock up everything; Or the elephants will get out and forget to remember what you said“.

These lines sum of nicely how dialed in you have to be as a parent to these kids – at all times! If you let your guard down all hell is bound to break loose. Plan for the worst and pray for something better than that. Yes, you pray for it, you don’t expect something better because you will be let down. It takes a long time to break a parent of that hope. The hope that your child will make a better choice next time or the time after that. Those are hard realizations that I think most parents don’t have to experience. You can read about some of those experiences in my past posts (I’ll link them below). I could write several more blog posts about crazy things that have happened just since we moved into a new house several months ago. We’ve made a million mistakes and try our best to learn from them all.

Our new house has more space. We were in desperate need of more space. We needed bedrooms and we needed bathrooms. We needed more space! We were very fortunate to find a house and location that fits us very well. Nothing is perfect though and we found we still didn’t get it totally right. We ended up changing around bedrooms once already to keep the peace. Every time we think we have something figured out we are brought back to reality very quickly. I think sometimes we think age (11, almost 11 and 9) will make things easier. It doesn’t. And unfortunately, I think it will continue to make it harder.

Speaking of locking the doors, we lock everything. We have locked all kinds of things. Doors, cabinets, our freezer and on and on. We lock up cabinets that we keep food in. We lock up access to certain bedrooms, my office and the basement. The basement is an important one because if we don’t thing go missing really fast and you are bound to find a kid down there watching TV all night. There isn’t much in our house that doesn’t require a password. Sometimes it can feel like a prison, but it keeps things under control and is an easy trade off considering what the alternative looks like.

All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep
Hey I can bleed as well as anyone, but I need someone to help me sleep.

I’m all over the place on the lines above. Those razor perceptions or judgements that go along with raising any kids, but especially challenging kids is an interesting space to live in. My personality generally lends itself to not caring about anyone’s opinions. Sometimes though it gets to me and I want to sit people down and explain everything we live with. Give me several hours to bend your ear before suggesting things seem to be getting better or we should try this or that. I understand that comments and suggestions are well intended, but they miss the mark every single time.

“So I throw my hand into the air and it swims in the beams; It’s just a brief interruption of the swirling dust sparkle jet stream; Well, I know I don’t know you and you’re probably not what you seem”.

We carry sadness of realizing we will never really know who our kids were supposed to be. They were taken from us before they were born, never to return. We will do everything we can to help them live their best lives, but these lives aren’t what they should have been. They shouldn’t be this hard. They deserved better.

“When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor; And orders another. well, I wonder what he did that for“.

I think my wife and I feel these lines most often. The “is this real” moment. These lines represent the uncertainty we live with every day. The 0-100 escalations in a blink of an eye. The unusual and unpredictable behavior. The stories we could tell. The sadness we’ve felt. It can be a lot.

That’s when I know that I have to get out cause; I have been there before”.

These two lines are exactly who my wife and I are not. We won’t get out, we don’t want to get out, but we most certainly have been here many times before and will be here many times again. We will continue to show up. We will continue to mess this up. We will pick ourselves up. There is no other way. We will be better than yesterday!

You can see a million miles tonight
But you can’t get very far

These two lines are really sad. I think parents with challenging kids face these thoughts. Knowing the whole world is out there to explore, but you can’t leave the house (sometimes even for simple things). Knowing what they will never be able to do or experience. Knowing you will never have that full relationship with them. It’s especially hard when you have neurotypical kids and you see all the promise, the complete lack of any limitations on them.

You can never escape, you can only move south down the coast

I went through the song as it was written, except for the line above. This line is near the beginning, but I want to use it to close. It explains very well what really good parents of these challenging kids do. Good parents are those that try, those that do not give up even with the odds are against you. They are the ones that realize that they have to move with their kids. They realize they need to meet them where they are today and that tomorrow they probably aren’t in that same place. It’s not easy, sometimes they are hard to find. Sometimes they don’t want to be found. There are many potholes, traffic jams and accidents along the way, but you keep moving. You have to find what works and more importantly in this world find what doesn’t. You have to accommodate as best you can, but more than anything you have to keep moving. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway?

https://yougotnocontrol.com/2020/01/26/this-is-fas-part-ii/

https://yougotnocontrol.com/2020/02/02/this-is-fas/

https://yougotnocontrol.com/2020/02/11/fas-the-chase/

3 Pillars

This post has been on my mind for a couple years now. It looked a lot different back then compared to what I am about to write.

UBU (You Be You) was an idea that my oldest daughter and I came up with several years ago. It was born from her desire to help people feel confident in being themselves and my desire to encourage her to never stop being the fiercely independent girl (young woman now I guess 😢) that she is. I never want her to lose the free spirit she has in her. UBU would come up from time to time in passing, but really not much more than her asking me when will we do something with this idea. Can we put it on a shirt or do something “cool” like that? Nothing much happened until a couple months ago when I found this really cool local small business that prints designs on all kinds of products. They do it inexpensively and without having to order dozens of products to make it worth you while. I surprised my daughter with a UBU hat recently. It’s “real” now! Kidding aside, although small and insignificant, it was kind of cool to see our idea on a product.

UBU has really taken on a life of it’s own in my mind. A confluence of thoughts banging around in my head have brought it into focus. It’s also expanded rapidly and grew into something much more. Let me explain what is going on in my head.

First, the very clear racial divide our nation faces was brought center stage by the recent killings of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Rayshard Brooks. These deaths and all the other information coming out about how difficult it is to live in this country if your skin isn’t white is overwhelming. It also took our simple idea of UBU and turned it on it’s head. For some, UBU is simply not possible, not without the threat of violence and death on your mind. Story after story about black people not feeling comfortable going for a run or taking a walk in their neighborhood sadden me. Reading a story about a black man that purposely doesn’t walk in his own neighborhood without his daughter because if she is by his side then he is “ok” was sickening. So much for UBU.

It is hard to comprehend that in this country, in 2020, we have large groups of people that are disadvantaged because of the color of their skin. It embarrasses me and I feel ashamed. Obviously this is a very complex topic and I am doing my best to work through as much information as I can. I want to figure out how best I can help to change this crisis our country faces. For now, I will read and I will listen.

While our country is playing chicken with what feels like a race war, we’ve had challenges inside our own home with our three adopted kids. I’ve written about them before. I’ve written about the immense challenges they face and the challenges we face trying to parent them. I won’t repeat those stories, but can say I am certain there is nothing harder I will ever do in my life than try to navigate this very complex world of fetal alcohol syndrome and significant trauma. Fortunately, I haven’t had any stories like my daughter yelling “stranger danger” as I try to get her back in our car recently. Unfortunately, what I am about to write is really much more difficult.

I’ve come to the realization that I have to be a much better dad to my adopted kids, to my brain damaged adopted kids. These kids have damaged brains because of what they were exposed to before and after they were born. We won’t ever fully understand the extent of the damage, but we are starting to see some of it play out as we watch our two little biological girls grow and develop very quickly on one end of the age spectrum and my two older biological kids thrive at the other end of the age spectrum.

These kids can be really, really hard sometimes or maybe most of the time. Their behaviors are extremely challenging and very difficult to understand. We go out of our way to make accommodations and do what we can to keep the peace for as many minutes of the day as possible. These accommodations help, but they can’t fix the damage that was done.

They are good kids though. I know their behaviors are not intentional. Unfortunately that doesn’t always stick in my head as the daily grind gets the better of me. As time has gone on and they have gotten older, it is becoming clear they are lagging behind their peers as it relates to school and play. This hasn’t been easy for me to adjust to. I’ve been very fortunate. My older biological kids are “easy”. They do very well at most things. I’m able to push them and challenge them to be better because I know they understand why I’m doing it and I know what they are capable of. I can already see it in my 2.5-year-old too. I haven’t adjusted to the fact that our soon to be 11-year-olds’ play similar to my 2.5-year-old. It’s even harder for me to comprehend that my almost 9-year-old’s play hasn’t evolved in the entire time I’ve known him (5+ years). His play consists of banging two legos or blocks together for hours on end, using very few words. My favorite (sarcasm) is at about 8PM every night he begins pounding on the floor directly about our living room for hours. It can be a lot.

So where does UBU fit in? I realized these kids can’t be themselves without feeling judged either. Judged by strangers, judged by their peers, and although it’s painful to say, judged by me. It may not be verbal, but I know I do it. I know my facial expressions tell them I am trying to figure out why they are acting a certain way when I should simply be ok with who they are and where they are today.

As I continue to look inward in 2020, I realize our UBU idea is a very good one. It is a meaningful one, even if I am the only one that gets something from it. UBU should be practiced and said throughout the day. It is my mantra, I say it often now. Instead of cracking that innocent joke when we see a guy driving by himself in a car with a mask on, I smile and say UBU to myself and my kids. This change in how I think has been a positive one for me. The innocent jokes were never meant to hurt or harm anyone, but I think they were harming my mind. The bottom line is if you aren’t hurting anyone, including yourself, then UBU – always!

As time has gone on something else was taking shape too. The guiding principles I want to live my life by were becoming clear. UBU took me to what I call my 3 Pillars. The name is not creative and I spent no time coming up with it, but regardless let me lay it out for you.

The 3 Pillars help guide me towards living my very best life. They are Accountability, Courage, and Effort (A.C.E). These pillars are surrounded by the Koru. The Koru is a spiral shape based on the appearance of a new unfurling silver fern frond. It symbolizes new life, growth, strength and peace.

Let me define each of the pillars.

Accountability is defined as “answerable for actions or decisions”. As it relates to my life, I break it down further into what I am fully responsible for:

Everything I do and say
My relationships
The roles I’ve chosen to take on

Courage is defined as “the ability to do something that frightens oneself”. This means two very important things to me:

Courage to live your authentic life, free of concern of the crowd – I am not a sheep
Courage to evolve based on constantly learning and questioning my thoughts, opinions, and actions

Effort is defined as “a vigorous or determined attempt”. This one seems like it is the easiest, but I think in today’s world it may be the most difficult.

I will show up and I will do something
I will make forward progress, without concern for how much or how little I gain each day

As I explained above, the Koru is a symbol for new life, growth, strength, and peace. I think the Koru is a perfect symbol for how I choose to live my life. I will continuously grow. It won’t be easy and it will take time, but I will continue to grow.

How will I apply what I wrote above? As it relates to the world and specifically the injustices the black community continues to face, I’ll listen. I’ll do my very best to understand. I’ll take what I hear and will find a way to make a positive impact. Maybe that is as simple as educating my kids or maybe there is a larger role for me to play. Regardless I’ll put in the effort necessary to make a difference.

As it relates to my family, I will find a way to meet the very unique needs of my adopted kids. I’ll meet them where they are without judgment. I’ll support all of my kids in whatever way is best for each of them. And when I screw it up, I will try again.

We are living through unprecedented times in our country’s history. Perhaps this is the moment my generation will have that goes down in history. When I look back or talk to my grand kids about this time I want to do so proudly. I want to be able to say I showed up and I tried. I was courageous because I asked myself the hard questions and was willing to answer them honestly. I put away my preconceived notions about many things and began to look at things through the lens of those living it. I want my kids to know I was strong enough to evolve and get better every day.

Father’s day is several days away and on my mind. When my kids think about me, I want them to remember me as someone that always showed up. I want them to remember their dad was far from perfect, but never ever stopped trying to be better. I want them to know I was willing to challenge everything and everyone on my quest to live an authentic life. I want them to know their dad was not a sheep. More than anything though, I want them to know that regardless of what was going on at the time, their dad always had their back and always loved them!

Why do I write this? I write it for my kids. I want them to be able to look back when they are adults, parents, employees/employers and know it’s ok not to have the world figured out. That things can be hard or they can be easy. That ultimately if you have your heart in the right place everything will work out.

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What the f@&$ is going on?

I think my wife and I ponder this question more than any other these days. What the f@&$ is going on?

Should we fear Covid-19? Are the steps the country, and more specifically the state, is taking reasonable considering the circumstances? What does this look like in a month, in three months, in a year?

I’m rarely short on opinions, but in this case I really don’t know what to think. There are very strong opinions on both sides of this thing. One group is adamant we need to stay at home and help curb this virus to prevent many more from getting sick or dying. The other group believes we need to open up the economy in order to save jobs and ensure we don’t find ourselves in an extended recession or worse. It certainly didn’t take long for Covid-19 to become a polarizing topic.

When big things are happening in the world I usually start by thinking about the economy (the money). No one messes with the money, unless there is a real good reason, right? In this case, leaders of virtually all the major powers have shut their countries down for some period of time. India has been shut down for three weeks and just extended it two more. For context, that is over a billion people on lock down. It’s very hard to comprehend a lackdown of that scale.

The decisions being made by these countries will likely lead to a global recession and massive unemployment. It’s difficult to predict how bad this will get and how long it will take to move past the damage that has been done so far. The money is telling me that a lot of people with a lot to lose believe this is a real threat.

The most common mainstream debate I have seen is how Covid-19 compares to the flu. The same flu that kills about 50,000 people a year. Yes 50,000 people. That number surprised me. Are we just so used to the flu that we are numb to the death toll. I guess that is how we treat automobile deaths too.

With the flu we never lock down a city, state or the country. Why now? Is this really that different? It seems this virus kills those already vulnerable. I’m pretty sure the flu does the same thing. Most data points seem to indicate that Covid-19 is far more contagious, more damaging to your overall health, and more deadly than the flu. Unfortunately they are just data points now and not fact. What we do know is we are precise. We don’t know how many people have been infected, which means we cannot calculate an accurate mortality rate or understand the severity of this virus. It seems like this would be the same situation as the flu as well.

The fact that our healthcare system was overwhelmed so quickly seems to be a telling data point, but by no means does it tell the whole story. My county is fine. The hospitals here aren’t overrun and our overall cases have been and continue to be low. There are also no signs of the numbers changing in a meaningful way anytime soon.

I’ve gone along for the ride so far with little complaint. This virus is something I know nothing about (I am not a medical professional), and as such I felt compelled to rely on their suggestions during this time. That is made much easier for me because my day to day hasn’t really changed. My family situation generally keeps us home bound unless we are very deliberate about going out. School being cancelled for the rest of the year is the only real material change that has impacted us. That is only due to the fact that two of our kids have special needs and struggle a ton with school. Honestly the bigger issue is they also struggle with play. Without constant guidance, ideas and oversight they don’t do much. In a house with nine people that can be an issue.

The governor recently extended our stay at home order and added additional restrictions. This caught my attention. Nothing in particular related to the order or the restrictions, but the simple fact that we were being asked to stay in another two weeks. And more than that, that we were going to continue to comply with this without much discussion or any idea when this may end. It’s certainly got the attention of many in the state – both positive and negative. Of course it immediately turns into a political conversation or evolves into a discussion around the fact we have a woman governor. How quickly these things devolve is embarrassing for our state and our culture in general.

No, every republican doesn’t want to open up the economy tomorrow with an intent on making money while people die in hallways of hospitals. No, every Democrat doesn’t want to stay inside forever while the economy comes crashing down waiting for the government to ride in and save them. And the fact our governor is a woman has nothing to do with anything.

Why can’t we have meaningful discussions on important topics without the social media echo chamber in our minds encouraging us to regurgitate the latest crap we read posted from our favorite like-minded “friends”. Why aren’t we willing to spend real time thinking about a topic, from all angles, before putting our opinion out in the world.

I hate when people speak in absolutes, but I’ll break my own rule right now. I promise, you don’t know if you are right. You can’t be sure because you don’t have all the data and facts in front of you. This simple fact should be enough to give you pause before you spew what you believe to be the gospel on this or any other topic. There is nothing wrong with a strong opinion, but you need to keep an open mind and be willing to see all sides of an issue. Be intellectually honest.

I think we can all agree we need the economy to open back up as soon as possible, but we need to do so in a way that minimizes the risk of harming the health of this country. I would hope we can all agree too that this is a most complex problem we face and no one person or one group is going to solve it. Can we start the conversation there?

All of this does spark some thought for me around personal freedom. Very few have lived through anything like this, so there really isn’t a playbook to follow. That goes for our politicians as well. They certainly didn’t sign up for this and aren’t qualified to handle it. That is not a knock on them, it’s just the reality of the situation we face today.

I think the best thing we can do is pay attention. What changes are being made on my behalf to protect me without my consent? Do these changes stick or do they fade away as the crisis weakens. We cannot be blind to the fact our freedoms can be taken away. If that were to happen, it would happen slowly and over a long period of time. It is your responsibility to protect your own freedoms. The best way to begin is to pay attention.

Today I’m at a point where I’m evaluating everything I possibly can to figure out where we really are and where we are headed. I hope you take the time to think about this too. We are accountable for holding on to our freedoms – no one else can do that for us!!

And no, I don’t know what the f@&$ is going on.

Two quotes to keep you thinking.

The end may justify the means as long as there is something that justifies the end.
– Leon Trotsky

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
– Benjamin Franklin

School’s Out – Teach Life Skills

School is cancelled for at least a month. This is a great opportunity to push the pause button on worrying about long division and geometry (sorry to those I am offending – if it makes you feel better there is a laundry list of topics I could have used instead) and take this opportunity to teach our children life skills.

Obviously what you should teach will vary based on age and sometimes maturity level. Some things that have come to mind in the first couple days with the kids home from school are listed below. It’s a brief list meant to get us thinking about teaching our kids skills that will benefit them their entire lives. Think about those things you struggled with when you got out on your own or learned the hard way a time or two. Pass those lessons on now while you have the time and more importantly their attention. The point is to start thinking about the opportunity we have to teach our kids the skills they will need to thrive (or simply survive) in the world.

Budgeting – I am not sure there is anything more important than financial budgeting. Budgeting gives you control over your finances. It makes every purchasing decision relevant as it relates to your overall financial situation. Budgeting = Discipline; Discipline = Freedom. I cannot recommend this one strong enough.

Hard Work and Sacrifice – Kids need to understand that nothing comes without hard work and sacrifice. If you are willing to do those two things there is not much you can’t accomplish. On the other end of the spectrum, they should be taught what doors close if you don’t work hard in this world. All the things we take for granted are not going to be there if they don’t work hard – everything has a cost. I want to ensure I put my kids out in the world with a strong sense of reality versus a thinking that magically they will have all the same things dad has.

Add Value – Doing what you are told is good, but not remarkable. Doing the things not expected of you is what is important. Those things lighten the load for others and add value in so many ways. I live by the motto “See it – Do it”. Your future spouse and employer will thank me later.

Fairness and Responsibility – This is an exceptional time to discuss how life is not fair. Everybody has lost something at this point. Kids have lost school time, all extracurricular activities, play dates, and on and on. They should be bummed about this. They will likely start feeling sorry for themselves and what they are missing. They need to understand there will be times in their life when things simply don’t work out or go as planned. They need to know how to work through them and it is our responsibility to help them understand they are responsible for how they feeling – no one else. Now is the time to eliminate the victim mentality!

You are not the Center of the Universe (and Neither am I) – This idea seems to be non-existent in our culture today. Kids run the show. They dictate most family activities, meals, and so on. This is significantly more power than a child is capable of handling and we adults put them in that position without thought. Teach kids what they can offer the world, instead of what they can take from it.

Hearing No – They are going to hear no and get rejected often throughout their lives. We have an opportunity to help them work through this rejection by telling them no in a safe environment (ideally with a thoughtful explanation as well).

Car Maintenance – We spend a ton of time in our vehicles and place a heavy reliance on them. We should know how to handle basic maintenance. Things like changing a tire, changing a headlight, and changing the oil come to mind. These improve independence and save a ton of money at the same time!

Grow Something – We don’t understand where our food comes from. It just magically exists at the grocery store whenever we want it. Actually growing your own food, even a small amount, gives you a better appreciation for how amazing the land is and why we need to take care of it. This too is another example where you could be a little more independent and save some cash. I find great joy and satisfaction out of growing things.

Meal Preparation – Another easy way to be more independent and save money is knowing how to feed yourself, and I am not talking about microwave meals and potato chips. Learning how to cook (even just the basics) is a skill that will serve you well your entire life.

Portion Control – From an early age we are told to “clean our plates” and so on. That doesn’t serve us very well as we age, portions grow, and our activity level declines. We should be teaching our kids that feeling “full” is not a good thing and feeling “hungry” is not a bad thing. We should teach our kids that the amount of food they really need is far less than what culture tells them. They should listen to their bodies instead. Oh, and stop with all the snacking.

Cleaning – Leave the place better than you found it. This is a simple one and speaks to responsibility. Take care of yourself, clean up your own messes.

Open Up – Now is a great time to reconnect with your kids. Get to know them and let them get to know you at a deeper level. If you have older kids, I think this is incredibly important. Now would be a great time to talk about the mistakes you have made in your life, the consequences, and how you moved forward. I want my kids to see me as super – human. I hyphenate that word because there are two distinct meanings there. I want them to know I am human. I work hard every day to provide for my family. I have good days and bad days. I swear when I shouldn’t. I overreact. I screw up. But I own it, try to fix it, and move on. I do want them to see me as superhuman though. I want them to trust that their dad has their back and will provide a safe environment for them to grow up in.

We really need to take advantage of this opportunity we have in front of us. We have our kids attention for some period of time and should ensure we don’t waste it. It’s likely the world goes right back to the way it was in the coming months, but there does exist a chance that we are embarking on a way of living we haven’t experienced before. It the latter ends up coming to fruition the more independent and self sufficient we all are the better. Be responsible and be accountable!!!