Have We Always Been Lost?

I haven’t posted in five months or so. It’s taken me a lot of time to wrap my head around everything going on in this country. I’ve also had a lot going on personally (good things and challenging things). I’m slowly coming back around to wanting and needing to write. I need to make sense of what is going on and where we go from here (impact on my family and the country). I’m excited to be writing again.

I’ve started reading Seneca again (the Stoic philosopher). My perspective on his writings has evolved as I see opportunities to apply the lessons to the world at large versus the micro view I have taken historically. In the past, I would try to use the lessons, and Stoicism in general, only in my personal life. By that I mean, I tried to apply his teachings to my family life (read my early posts to get a taste of that) or to my work life. I never looked beyond those “walls” though. Not looking beyond my personal situation was short-sighted, which has become crystal clear given the current environment we are living in.

In the last six months alone, our country has come face to face with a pandemic, police brutality, racism, protests, riots, vandalism, violence, and an upcoming election between two individuals that are not inspiring and seemingly have no chance of leading this country out of the mess we find ourselves.

Each of these observations is worthy of a blog post. That thought doesn’t interest me much given how much you can read on these topics today. This brings me to why I am writing. My concern is we don’t really know what is actually going on – and it is getting worse. The amount of inaccurate information – on purpose or not – seems to be overwhelming. It makes those of us who are looking for the truth frustrated and in a difficult spot to make educated decisions. More concerning, this misinformation empowers those that have little interest in the truth. These individuals are focused only on their view of the world. They are always right and the counter argument is always wrong. In today’s highly volatile environment, this reality, and the desperate need to prove how right you really are has led to widespread destruction and at times death.

It’s not clear to me if anyone knows what they are actually fighting for. I think there was a cause early on. I think that cause has turned into a scapegoat of sorts. Radical individuals or organizations looking for a reason to create chaos and destruction in this country – to what end I don’t know. Like Winston Churchill said, “Never let a good crisis go to waste.”

Throughout the remainder of this post, I am going to quote Seneca. The quotes all come from, The Tao of Seneca, Volume 1, Letter 7 – On Crowds. This letter has helped me frame my thoughts on several very important issues plaguing this country and myself.

“Do you ask me what you should regard as especially to be
avoided? I say, crowds; for as yet you cannot trust yourself to
them with safety. I shall admit my own weakness, at any rate; for
I never bring back home the same character that I took abroad
with me. Something of that which I have forced to be calm within
me is disturbed; some of the foes that I have routed return again.
Just as the sick man, who has been weak for a long time, is in such
a condition that he cannot be taken out of the house without suffering a relapse, so we ourselves are affected when our souls are
recovering from a lingering disease.
To consort with the crowd is harmful; there is no person who
does not make some vice attractive to us, or stamp it upon us, or
taint us unconsciously therewith. Certainly, the greater the mob
with which we mingle, the greater the danger.”

“Taint us unconsciously”. There is enough data today to clearly tell us that we are being led in a certain direction, based on our preferences and habits. We are the puppets. What’s crazy is the CEO’s of some of these companies are telling us this directly and we simply don’t care. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said, “Social-media companies are failing their users by creating echo chambers that encourage polarization”. Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon said, “I think social media is increasing, unfortunately, identity politics, [and] tribalism. I think the internet in its current incarnation is a confirmation bias machine,”. “If you have a going in point of view and you go do some searches, you find confirmation of your point of view. If your newsfeed is showing you things, it’s showing you things that confirm your point of view.” Isn’t this exactly what we are seeing playing out today across the country – from coast to coast?

I strongly recommend watching “The Social Dilemma” on Netflix for more information on this topic from social media insiders. Tech executives and programmers at these companies go on the record telling us all what is going on and how we are being manipulated. There is no incentive for these companies to give us a balanced look at a certain topic – that isn’t going to move their needle.

“But nothing is so damaging to good character as the habit of
lounging at the games; for then it is that vice steals subtly upon
one through the avenue of pleasure.
What do you think I mean? I mean that I come home more
greedy, more ambitious, more voluptuous, and even more cruel
and inhuman, because I have been among human beings. By
chance I attended a mid-day exhibition, expecting some fun, wit,
and relaxation—an exhibition at which men’s eyes have respite
from the slaughter of their fellow-men. But it was quite the
reverse. The previous combats were the essence of compassion;
but now all the trifling is put aside and it is pure murder. The
men have no defensive armour. They are exposed to blows at all
points, and no one ever strikes in vain.
Many persons prefer this programme to the usual pairs and
to the bouts “by request.” Of course they do; there is no helmet
or shield to deflect the weapon. What is the need of defensive
armour, or of skill? All these mean delaying death. In the morning
they throw men to the lions and the bears; at noon, they throw
them to the spectators. The spectators demand that the slayer
shall face the man who is to slay him in his turn; and they always
reserve the latest conqueror for another butchering. The outcome
of every fight is death, and the means are fire and sword. This sort
of thing goes on while the arena is empty.
You may retort: “But he was a highway robber; he killed a man!”
And what of it? Granted that, as a murderer, he deserved this
punishment, what crime have you committed, poor fellow, that
you should deserve to sit and see this show? In the morning they
cried “Kill him! Lash him! Burn him! Why does he meet the
sword in so cowardly a way? Why does he strike so feebly? Why
doesn’t he die game? Whip him to meet his wounds! Let them
receive blow for blow, with chests bare and exposed to the stroke!”
And when the games stop for the intermission, they announce:
“A little throatcutting in the meantime, so that there may still be
something going on!”

This last line rings true doesn’t it? We have a constant need to know what is going on in the world. The phone dinged or vibrated, I have to look. Maybe there are message or notifications that I cannot miss. If I have to go to the bathroom, my phone is coming with me. Exercising, traveling, eating, I can’t be without my phone. I need to know what the latest news is. It seems we are more and more incapable of existing in our own head space.

I think the question that needs to be asked is a simple one, why? Why do I need to look at my phone and those apps all the time? What am I getting out of it? Am I actually learning anything? Is there any real value being provided by these apps? I don’t have the answers, but I am asking myself these questions.

“Much harm is done by a single case of indulgence or greed;
the familiar friend, if he be luxurious, weakens and softens
us imperceptibly; the neighbour, if he be rich, rouses our
covetousness; the companion, if he be slanderous, rubs off some
of his rust upon us, even though we be spotless and sincere. What
then do you think the effect will be on character, when the world
at large assaults it! You must either imitate or loathe the world.”

This is where I truly get concerned. Our reliance on our smart phones and computers expose us to the entire world. We know that other countries are taking shots at us. They are poking holes in our character and at the moral fabric of the country. We know about Russia and China intentionally interfering with our elections. We would be naive to think it stops there. The crazy thing is even with this knowledge we don’t make any changes to our habits. We don’t delete Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We can’t see this interference directly, so we simply go on with our day. I am not sure we would change our habits even if something happened directly to us. Sounds like an addiction doesn’t it? You know it’s bad for you, but you can’t stop yourself.

Our country seems to be headed for some disastrous event or events if we continue on this path. The only solution that seems to have any chance of success is a large group of people coming together and talking openly and honestly about the issues that plague their communities and their families. Clearly there are polarizing topics that will never be “settled”, but there is no reason compromise and moderation cannot be our path to a peaceful and developing society. We clearly aren’t on that path now. Reading Seneca makes me wonder how much we have really evolved. He died in 65 AD and his words seem to speak directly to our world today.

3 Pillars

This post has been on my mind for a couple years now. It looked a lot different back then compared to what I am about to write.

UBU (You Be You) was an idea that my oldest daughter and I came up with several years ago. It was born from her desire to help people feel confident in being themselves and my desire to encourage her to never stop being the fiercely independent girl (young woman now I guess 😢) that she is. I never want her to lose the free spirit she has in her. UBU would come up from time to time in passing, but really not much more than her asking me when will we do something with this idea. Can we put it on a shirt or do something “cool” like that? Nothing much happened until a couple months ago when I found this really cool local small business that prints designs on all kinds of products. They do it inexpensively and without having to order dozens of products to make it worth you while. I surprised my daughter with a UBU hat recently. It’s “real” now! Kidding aside, although small and insignificant, it was kind of cool to see our idea on a product.

UBU has really taken on a life of it’s own in my mind. A confluence of thoughts banging around in my head have brought it into focus. It’s also expanded rapidly and grew into something much more. Let me explain what is going on in my head.

First, the very clear racial divide our nation faces was brought center stage by the recent killings of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Rayshard Brooks. These deaths and all the other information coming out about how difficult it is to live in this country if your skin isn’t white is overwhelming. It also took our simple idea of UBU and turned it on it’s head. For some, UBU is simply not possible, not without the threat of violence and death on your mind. Story after story about black people not feeling comfortable going for a run or taking a walk in their neighborhood sadden me. Reading a story about a black man that purposely doesn’t walk in his own neighborhood without his daughter because if she is by his side then he is “ok” was sickening. So much for UBU.

It is hard to comprehend that in this country, in 2020, we have large groups of people that are disadvantaged because of the color of their skin. It embarrasses me and I feel ashamed. Obviously this is a very complex topic and I am doing my best to work through as much information as I can. I want to figure out how best I can help to change this crisis our country faces. For now, I will read and I will listen.

While our country is playing chicken with what feels like a race war, we’ve had challenges inside our own home with our three adopted kids. I’ve written about them before. I’ve written about the immense challenges they face and the challenges we face trying to parent them. I won’t repeat those stories, but can say I am certain there is nothing harder I will ever do in my life than try to navigate this very complex world of fetal alcohol syndrome and significant trauma. Fortunately, I haven’t had any stories like my daughter yelling “stranger danger” as I try to get her back in our car recently. Unfortunately, what I am about to write is really much more difficult.

I’ve come to the realization that I have to be a much better dad to my adopted kids, to my brain damaged adopted kids. These kids have damaged brains because of what they were exposed to before and after they were born. We won’t ever fully understand the extent of the damage, but we are starting to see some of it play out as we watch our two little biological girls grow and develop very quickly on one end of the age spectrum and my two older biological kids thrive at the other end of the age spectrum.

These kids can be really, really hard sometimes or maybe most of the time. Their behaviors are extremely challenging and very difficult to understand. We go out of our way to make accommodations and do what we can to keep the peace for as many minutes of the day as possible. These accommodations help, but they can’t fix the damage that was done.

They are good kids though. I know their behaviors are not intentional. Unfortunately that doesn’t always stick in my head as the daily grind gets the better of me. As time has gone on and they have gotten older, it is becoming clear they are lagging behind their peers as it relates to school and play. This hasn’t been easy for me to adjust to. I’ve been very fortunate. My older biological kids are “easy”. They do very well at most things. I’m able to push them and challenge them to be better because I know they understand why I’m doing it and I know what they are capable of. I can already see it in my 2.5-year-old too. I haven’t adjusted to the fact that our soon to be 11-year-olds’ play similar to my 2.5-year-old. It’s even harder for me to comprehend that my almost 9-year-old’s play hasn’t evolved in the entire time I’ve known him (5+ years). His play consists of banging two legos or blocks together for hours on end, using very few words. My favorite (sarcasm) is at about 8PM every night he begins pounding on the floor directly about our living room for hours. It can be a lot.

So where does UBU fit in? I realized these kids can’t be themselves without feeling judged either. Judged by strangers, judged by their peers, and although it’s painful to say, judged by me. It may not be verbal, but I know I do it. I know my facial expressions tell them I am trying to figure out why they are acting a certain way when I should simply be ok with who they are and where they are today.

As I continue to look inward in 2020, I realize our UBU idea is a very good one. It is a meaningful one, even if I am the only one that gets something from it. UBU should be practiced and said throughout the day. It is my mantra, I say it often now. Instead of cracking that innocent joke when we see a guy driving by himself in a car with a mask on, I smile and say UBU to myself and my kids. This change in how I think has been a positive one for me. The innocent jokes were never meant to hurt or harm anyone, but I think they were harming my mind. The bottom line is if you aren’t hurting anyone, including yourself, then UBU – always!

As time has gone on something else was taking shape too. The guiding principles I want to live my life by were becoming clear. UBU took me to what I call my 3 Pillars. The name is not creative and I spent no time coming up with it, but regardless let me lay it out for you.

The 3 Pillars help guide me towards living my very best life. They are Accountability, Courage, and Effort (A.C.E). These pillars are surrounded by the Koru. The Koru is a spiral shape based on the appearance of a new unfurling silver fern frond. It symbolizes new life, growth, strength and peace.

Let me define each of the pillars.

Accountability is defined as “answerable for actions or decisions”. As it relates to my life, I break it down further into what I am fully responsible for:

Everything I do and say
My relationships
The roles I’ve chosen to take on

Courage is defined as “the ability to do something that frightens oneself”. This means two very important things to me:

Courage to live your authentic life, free of concern of the crowd – I am not a sheep
Courage to evolve based on constantly learning and questioning my thoughts, opinions, and actions

Effort is defined as “a vigorous or determined attempt”. This one seems like it is the easiest, but I think in today’s world it may be the most difficult.

I will show up and I will do something
I will make forward progress, without concern for how much or how little I gain each day

As I explained above, the Koru is a symbol for new life, growth, strength, and peace. I think the Koru is a perfect symbol for how I choose to live my life. I will continuously grow. It won’t be easy and it will take time, but I will continue to grow.

How will I apply what I wrote above? As it relates to the world and specifically the injustices the black community continues to face, I’ll listen. I’ll do my very best to understand. I’ll take what I hear and will find a way to make a positive impact. Maybe that is as simple as educating my kids or maybe there is a larger role for me to play. Regardless I’ll put in the effort necessary to make a difference.

As it relates to my family, I will find a way to meet the very unique needs of my adopted kids. I’ll meet them where they are without judgment. I’ll support all of my kids in whatever way is best for each of them. And when I screw it up, I will try again.

We are living through unprecedented times in our country’s history. Perhaps this is the moment my generation will have that goes down in history. When I look back or talk to my grand kids about this time I want to do so proudly. I want to be able to say I showed up and I tried. I was courageous because I asked myself the hard questions and was willing to answer them honestly. I put away my preconceived notions about many things and began to look at things through the lens of those living it. I want my kids to know I was strong enough to evolve and get better every day.

Father’s day is several days away and on my mind. When my kids think about me, I want them to remember me as someone that always showed up. I want them to remember their dad was far from perfect, but never ever stopped trying to be better. I want them to know I was willing to challenge everything and everyone on my quest to live an authentic life. I want them to know their dad was not a sheep. More than anything though, I want them to know that regardless of what was going on at the time, their dad always had their back and always loved them!

Why do I write this? I write it for my kids. I want them to be able to look back when they are adults, parents, employees/employers and know it’s ok not to have the world figured out. That things can be hard or they can be easy. That ultimately if you have your heart in the right place everything will work out.

#fitlife #fitness #fitnessmotivation #chooseeffort #ivegot2more #accountability #noexcuses #betterthanyesterday #endure #grind #7kids #fetalalcoholsyndrome #blendedfamily #trauma #ubu #coronavirus #opportunity #perspective # lifeskills #responsibility #budgeting # hardwork #sacrifice #portioncontrol #fairness #selfsufficient #covid19 #courage #effort #koru

What the f@&$ is going on?

I think my wife and I ponder this question more than any other these days. What the f@&$ is going on?

Should we fear Covid-19? Are the steps the country, and more specifically the state, is taking reasonable considering the circumstances? What does this look like in a month, in three months, in a year?

I’m rarely short on opinions, but in this case I really don’t know what to think. There are very strong opinions on both sides of this thing. One group is adamant we need to stay at home and help curb this virus to prevent many more from getting sick or dying. The other group believes we need to open up the economy in order to save jobs and ensure we don’t find ourselves in an extended recession or worse. It certainly didn’t take long for Covid-19 to become a polarizing topic.

When big things are happening in the world I usually start by thinking about the economy (the money). No one messes with the money, unless there is a real good reason, right? In this case, leaders of virtually all the major powers have shut their countries down for some period of time. India has been shut down for three weeks and just extended it two more. For context, that is over a billion people on lock down. It’s very hard to comprehend a lackdown of that scale.

The decisions being made by these countries will likely lead to a global recession and massive unemployment. It’s difficult to predict how bad this will get and how long it will take to move past the damage that has been done so far. The money is telling me that a lot of people with a lot to lose believe this is a real threat.

The most common mainstream debate I have seen is how Covid-19 compares to the flu. The same flu that kills about 50,000 people a year. Yes 50,000 people. That number surprised me. Are we just so used to the flu that we are numb to the death toll. I guess that is how we treat automobile deaths too.

With the flu we never lock down a city, state or the country. Why now? Is this really that different? It seems this virus kills those already vulnerable. I’m pretty sure the flu does the same thing. Most data points seem to indicate that Covid-19 is far more contagious, more damaging to your overall health, and more deadly than the flu. Unfortunately they are just data points now and not fact. What we do know is we are precise. We don’t know how many people have been infected, which means we cannot calculate an accurate mortality rate or understand the severity of this virus. It seems like this would be the same situation as the flu as well.

The fact that our healthcare system was overwhelmed so quickly seems to be a telling data point, but by no means does it tell the whole story. My county is fine. The hospitals here aren’t overrun and our overall cases have been and continue to be low. There are also no signs of the numbers changing in a meaningful way anytime soon.

I’ve gone along for the ride so far with little complaint. This virus is something I know nothing about (I am not a medical professional), and as such I felt compelled to rely on their suggestions during this time. That is made much easier for me because my day to day hasn’t really changed. My family situation generally keeps us home bound unless we are very deliberate about going out. School being cancelled for the rest of the year is the only real material change that has impacted us. That is only due to the fact that two of our kids have special needs and struggle a ton with school. Honestly the bigger issue is they also struggle with play. Without constant guidance, ideas and oversight they don’t do much. In a house with nine people that can be an issue.

The governor recently extended our stay at home order and added additional restrictions. This caught my attention. Nothing in particular related to the order or the restrictions, but the simple fact that we were being asked to stay in another two weeks. And more than that, that we were going to continue to comply with this without much discussion or any idea when this may end. It’s certainly got the attention of many in the state – both positive and negative. Of course it immediately turns into a political conversation or evolves into a discussion around the fact we have a woman governor. How quickly these things devolve is embarrassing for our state and our culture in general.

No, every republican doesn’t want to open up the economy tomorrow with an intent on making money while people die in hallways of hospitals. No, every Democrat doesn’t want to stay inside forever while the economy comes crashing down waiting for the government to ride in and save them. And the fact our governor is a woman has nothing to do with anything.

Why can’t we have meaningful discussions on important topics without the social media echo chamber in our minds encouraging us to regurgitate the latest crap we read posted from our favorite like-minded “friends”. Why aren’t we willing to spend real time thinking about a topic, from all angles, before putting our opinion out in the world.

I hate when people speak in absolutes, but I’ll break my own rule right now. I promise, you don’t know if you are right. You can’t be sure because you don’t have all the data and facts in front of you. This simple fact should be enough to give you pause before you spew what you believe to be the gospel on this or any other topic. There is nothing wrong with a strong opinion, but you need to keep an open mind and be willing to see all sides of an issue. Be intellectually honest.

I think we can all agree we need the economy to open back up as soon as possible, but we need to do so in a way that minimizes the risk of harming the health of this country. I would hope we can all agree too that this is a most complex problem we face and no one person or one group is going to solve it. Can we start the conversation there?

All of this does spark some thought for me around personal freedom. Very few have lived through anything like this, so there really isn’t a playbook to follow. That goes for our politicians as well. They certainly didn’t sign up for this and aren’t qualified to handle it. That is not a knock on them, it’s just the reality of the situation we face today.

I think the best thing we can do is pay attention. What changes are being made on my behalf to protect me without my consent? Do these changes stick or do they fade away as the crisis weakens. We cannot be blind to the fact our freedoms can be taken away. If that were to happen, it would happen slowly and over a long period of time. It is your responsibility to protect your own freedoms. The best way to begin is to pay attention.

Today I’m at a point where I’m evaluating everything I possibly can to figure out where we really are and where we are headed. I hope you take the time to think about this too. We are accountable for holding on to our freedoms – no one else can do that for us!!

And no, I don’t know what the f@&$ is going on.

Two quotes to keep you thinking.

The end may justify the means as long as there is something that justifies the end.
– Leon Trotsky

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
– Benjamin Franklin

Where’s Your Coat?

I’ve been asked this question more than any other in my life. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but I don’t think so. It’s snowing, where’s your coat? It’s cold outside, you are going to catch a cold, where is your coat? It’s goes on and on and on. So why don’t I wear a coat?

It’s simple. I don’t need one. And you don’t either!

Feeling discomfort and pain is good. Working through these things end up empowering and energizing you. You quickly realize the things you worry about are really not that bad. You realize even the worst things can and will be endured.

Most of us have the luxury of living a life that is almost always comfortable. We grew up comfortable and we continue to live comfortably as adults. In fact, we seek out more comfort as time goes on, not less. You eventually realize you have been conditioned to live and think this way and you are likely passing this mindset on to your kids and those around you. You can change it though if you want to. I think you should.

How comfortable are our lives? I’m not sure they could be easier. If we are hungry, we eat. Not only do we eat whenever we feel like it, we eat exactly what we want. We have more clothing than we will ever wear. We have clothing for any scenario we may find ourselves in although we rarely venture outside of our comfort zone. My personal favorite is the full ski gear I see parents in at the small sledding hill near my house. I could understand it (maybe) if those parents were sledding too, but no this is for fashion and of course the desperate need to stay nice and warm. They must think I’m crazy in my sweatshirt and sweatpants. If it’s hot outside, we crank the AC. If it’s cold outside, we turn on the heat. Our cars have remote starters and seat warmers. It takes far too long for that car to warm up or cool down with me sitting in it. Avoid discomfort at all costs.

I don’t wear a coat. I get the mail in the dead of the winter with no shoes and no shirt. I take the top off the jeep on the first sunny 50-degree day we have. I spend long periods of time fasting (feeling real hunger). I do all kinds of stupid shit. I am fully aware that none of these things are truly significant or difficult in the grand scheme of things (I’m hooked on old war documentaries – you want to see suffering watch some of those). So why do I do it then?

I do them because they serve as a reminder that I can endure and tolerate pain and discomfort. They remind me that almost everything that happens in life is not as bad as it may seem. They help set the tone for my mindset. They help me grow and they absolutely help me thrive.

We are truly fortunate to have all the comforts we do, but I don’t think they can be appreciated properly if you never feel discomfort and pain. The comforts are simply taken for granted and become a given in our lives. Imagine the pain and discomfort you will feel if they are stripped from you, how would you go on?

Push yourself. Challenge yourself. You may be surprised what you can endure. You may even find yourself seeking out the pain and discomfort. Choose it. Choose to be different. Choose to evolve. Choose to be better than yesterday!

#fetalalcoholsyndrome #ivegot2more #7kids #endure #grind #accountability #noexcuses #blendedfamily #betterthanyesterday #fewwillhunt

Money is the Root of All Evil?

This quote can be traced all the way back to the the writings of the Apostle Paul. Variations of the quote are everywhere. A quick google search gets you similar quotes from Benjamin Franklin and Ice Cube.

The root of all evil is not money, it’s desire. Desire drives the constant need for more. More money, more stuff, more likes, more followers, etc.

It would be easy to, but I don’t blame social media for our ever growing desires. We have created these problems for ourselves. That said, social media clearly isn’t helping. We are being sold to all day, every day. We get to see our “friends” and family seemingly experiencing a much better life than we are. Why does everyone I “know” have a bigger house, new car, trendy clothes, better vacations and on and on?

The more we see the more we click. The more we click the more ads we see. Then you have influencers with the perfectly curated life. A life so perfect, yet so relatable to us. If they think it’s the next cool thing then I should want it to, right? It’s a viscous cycle that doesn’t seem to ever stop.

How can you not come to the conclusion that you are failing at life or the world is out to get you when everything you see through that little screen of yours is better than what you are experiencing.

This mentality feeds the impulse we have. We want it, no we NEED it too. I’ll be happier if I get it, I’m sure of it.

Unfortunately, no amount of money, or stuff, or vacations or whatever it may be will satisfy the desire impulse. The world keeps moving. There will always be cooler, newer things out there that you DO NOT NEED. What’s worse is there will be more sophisticated ways of trying to convince you to buy things that you DO NOT NEED as well.

Feeling content is where you will find true happiness. Understanding that things won’t ever fill your happiness void is vital. At the end of the day all that is really needed is readily available to the majority of us – shelter, food, and clothing. When you really look at it you will see most of us have so much excess we don’t even know what to do with what we have, but we still yearn for more.

We need to look inward and ask ourselves why. Why do I want this or that? What will happen if I actually get it? Better yet what will happen if I don’t get it? Why do I care about what this stranger is saying? Why do I feel the need to compete or impress people that I don’t really know and likely don’t care about (at least the opinions they hold) anyway.

I don’t have this figured out, but I know awareness is the first step to breaking the cycle. I used to live for the next vacation or the next raise. And I was lucky enough to get them most of the time. But after each vacation ended or the excitement of the raise wore off I was still not happy. I went on to chase the next vacation, the next raise. Buying a new house would make me happy, right? Wrong.

Being aware of this though has allowed me to really evaluate how I feel and perceive the different things in my life. It’s allowed me to assign a value to them. What do I really care about? What can I live without? What makes me happy?

The only way you can break the cycle and take control of your life is to be deliberate in all you do. Think about the people and things you let into your life each day. Focus your time and energy on the people and things that bring you real happiness. Ultimately your energy should go to the people and things that will still be there after your new clothes are out of style and that new car breaks down.

Live deliberately and keep evolving. Put in the effort.

#fitlife #ivegot2more #7kids #grind #endure #embracethejourney #accountability #noexcuses #moneyistherootofallevil #desire

You Got No Control

So why that phrase for the blog? It was inspired from a song by one of my favorite musicians – Jack Johnson. But before I get into that, it has a ton to do with me, my personality, and how I tend to operate.

I’m a fixer. If there is a problem, I feel like it’s my responsibility to find a solution. It doesn’t matter what the problem is or if there even is a solution. Thanks to my wife, I’m slowly starting to learn that not everything has to be fixed.

I hate asking for help. It mostly still feels like weakness when I do. What is messed up is I only apply this to myself. I truly enjoy helping others and find a ton of value in doing so and I never view those needing help as weak.

More than anything though, I’ve spent 4+ decades thinking I have control of my world. I am a slow learner and I guess I am getting old (not really, I’m still 18ish in my mind).

Let me be very clear, I do believe there are many things in our lives we can control. We control our effort, we control our attitude, and we control how we respond to people and circumstances. What I’m beginning to own though is the fact I can’t control the outcome of every situation, no matter how hard I try. I can’t control how others will interpret a circumstance or how they choose to act. It’s especially apparent in a couple of our kids. No matter what I do to try to prevent or get ahead of situations where their behaviors may rear their ugly head, I am shown again and again that I can’t control them. I can’t control how impulsive they are and the poor decisions they make. What I am learning is I need to change my mindset. I need to control my expectations.

Controlling expectations or eliminating them is where the focus should go. Doing so helps drive better responses and reactions to situations, especially stressful ones. The other component that is not kid related is limiting the stuff you give attention to each day. There are so many things flying around us each day, trying to make it into our world. It is vital to limit distractions and only give attention to the things that deserve it.

I’ve been reading a lot over the past two years on ways to get better at these things. During this time I’ve stumbled into Stoicism. This philosophy really resonated with me. I’ll get into more details on this in a later post. In short, my natural instincts align very closely with this philosophy, and I can see a positive path forward by getting deeper into its teachings. Regardless of all of that, it has helped me maintain a better mental condition each day – especially when it seems like everything is on fire at once. Seven kids and a high stress job can get you to an overwhelmed mental state very quick if you aren’t willing to evaluate why you are feeling a certain way. It also requires brutal honesty with yourself and self-awareness.

Taking care of yourself mentally is vital to being the very best person you can be, not to mention being the best husband and father I can be as well.

Back to the phrase, it comes from the song my wife and I danced to at our wedding – I Got You by Jack Johnson. He is one of my absolute favorites. His lyrics seem to always carry a deeper meaning (I am a sucker for lyrics) about life and the world as it truly is. You can find the song lyrics here: https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jackjohnson/igotyou.html . The whole song is great and a metaphor for my life, but the portion below is what really drove me to use it for the title of this blog.

We went walking through the hills
Tryin’ to pretend that we both know
Maybe if we save up
We can build a little home
But then the hail storm came and yelled
“You need to let go, you’ve got no control. No”

This weight’s too much alone
Some days I can’t hold it at all
You take it on for me
When tomorrow’s too much
I’ll carry it all
I got you

This life my wife and I lead is complex and messy. Some days are amazing, some days we don’t know what really happened. We know the control we thought we had or could create doesn’t exist and never will. We also know that no matter what, we have each other’s backs and are in this together – forever!!

#ivegot2more #accountability #7kids #loveofmylife #jackjohnson #endure #grind #fetalalcoholsyndrome